The Hellsing Random Talk Show
by Witch of Fate
Summary: Welcome to the The Hellsing Random Talk Show! Any question you want is now answered by the characters themselves. Come see the random junk that can happen with all of the Hellsing gang. Crazy questions, rap contests, and... Alucard in his underwear?
1. Episode 1

WOF: Hi everybody! The name's Ange Beatrice but it's Witch of Fate to you. Today is the first ever… *waits for dramatic emphasis* HELLSING TALK SHOW!

*music plays*

Alucard: I don't even know why I agreed to this.

Seras: Cheer up master; it's only going to be for a little while. You weren't doing anything important beforehand.

Alucard: Seras! How many times have a told you that I need my rejuvenation period before I start working.

Seras: *narrows eyes* I found you asleep in your chair with drool hanging out of your mouth.

Alucard: *presses fingers to her lips* Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… rejuvenation period.

WOF: O-K. So what we are doing here on this wonderful new talk show is **YOU** the fans can ask any question about anything from Hellsing. Like: How old is Alucard?, What's Majors favorite color?, Can Anderson do a split?, What color panties is Integra wearing?

Integra: *standing behind the scenes* What was that last one!?

WOF: Can Anderson do a split.

Integra: …

WOF: See, virtually anything! Anything you want, not matter how crazy or random it is, go ahead and ask it to any character you want by writing a review and it will be answered next chapter! We are even taking favors from the fans! If you want to see anything happen on the show, write a review saying what you want to see. If you want to see Alucard strip down to only his underwear and tap dance, sure!

Alucard: Wait what! No no no no! I defiantly did not agree to that!

WOF: *ignores him* If you want to see Walter juggle knives while riding a unicycle, OK!

Walter: *Back stage serving snacks to cast and crew* Huh?

WOF: Anything you want folks! Just say the word and it will happen!

Alucard: Hang on! All of us here were forced into doing this show, you are forcing us to do whatever our deranged fans want us to do, **AND**, we aren't allowed to leave unless you say we can.

WOF: Yeah, pretty much. Was that not clear?

Alucard: Nope. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to be bossed around by some crazy blonde haired necromancer.

WOF: Ok one; you are going to do what I say. Two; you already follow a crazy blonde haired women's every command so I don't see how different this is going to be. And three; I'm not a necromancer, I'm a witch. Plus if you do this, do you know how many thousands of girls are screaming for you to drink their blood?

Alucard: …How many…?

WOF: A LOT!

Alucard: …

WOF: …

Alucard: …I need to think.

Seras: Can we end this already? There's some blood pudding on the snack table that has my name write on it.

Zorin: Oh hell no! I saw it first.

Seras: You want it? Come and get it!

*The two race for the snack table and a loud crash followed by bickering emanates behind stage*

WOF: Well that's a wrap everyone! Send your questions and ideas for the next show. Tune in next time to see random junk happens to the Hellsing gang! Until then, bye bye and leave a review!

* * *

**A/N: It gets better. Trust me! Don't believe me? Go look at the next chapter. **


	2. Episode 2

WOF: Welcome back everyone or those who are returning! Witch of Fate here coming to you live from an undisclosed location somewhere in England, and this is, THE HELLSING RANDOM TALK SHOOOOOOWWWW!

*applause from the audience*

WOF: Thank you, thank you. You're too kind.

Anderson: Hurry it up would ya!

WOF: Yeah, yeah. *mumbles* Keep your oversized man panties on.

Anderson: I heard that!

WOF: Now onto the show! Tonight we have two great questions from two lovely viewers. Now, let's begin!

Integra: Oh boy, here we go.

WOF: First up with the very first question is from Mr. Schrödinger-

Alucard: HISSSSSSSSSS!

WOF: *bonks him on the head* Rude. Now back to what I was saying. The first question is from Mr. Schrödinger and he says:

**me: Gutontag ALUCARD! remember me? schrodinger...****  
****anyvay i vant you to kiss the red head blue eyed self centered, vampire****  
****hating, the one the only Matilda the maid of the hellsing org in 2031...****  
****matty: NO WAY, id rather be a ghoul then kiss a vampire!****  
****me: wow so much hate****  
****matty: damned right! i hate vampire with so much...HATE!****  
****me: ... ok so you would rather get bitten then turned into a****  
****ghoul rather then having one kiss by alucard?****  
****matty: now that you put it that way...ummmm...****  
****me: You heard her! FREE MEAL! COME AND GET YOUR WARM HUMAN!****  
****matty: no wait i change my mind, *crys* I DONT WANNA DIE! *sigh* ill let****  
****alucard kiss me****  
****me: so major, matty seems to like life so she vont be joining millennium****  
****matty: i didnt say that! maybe ill join them if that have lots of strawberry****  
****cake****  
****me: YAY! CAKE!****  
****matty: see what i have to live with? goodbye for now *sigh***

Integra: Your grammar sucks by the way. I thought Nazi's were supposed to be grammar obsessed?

Walter: That's something else. Actually they're not even Nazi's.

Integra: Then why do they keep popping up all over the internet!?

Seras: Oh my god.

Alucard: *facepalm*

WOF: Back to what we were doing. I may not know who you speak of, but I'll see what I can do.

*Summons portal that appears on the ceiling and a girl falls out and lands on the ground with a loud thud*

Matty: OW!

WOF: Huh. I really got to work on the placement of these things. It could hurt someone.

Seras: *runs over to assist the women* Oh my god are you OK!?

Matty: I think I might have broken my leg.

WOF: Walk it off you pansy!

~Half an hour later after the paramedics came and no lawsuits were charged~

Matty: So what do I have to do?

WOF: Says here that he wants you to kiss Alucard.

Matty: *looks over to the corner where Alucard is desperately trying to escape but is impossible because of the charm the Witch of Fate placed on the room to keep him from escaping* HISSSSSSSSSS!

Alucard: Well HISSSSSSS to you to!

~10 minutes of continuous hissing later~

Matty: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Alucard: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Matty: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Alucard: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Matty: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Alucard: HISSSSSSSSSS!

Seras: HISSSSSSSSSS!

*The two stop and stare at her*

Seras: What? I wanted to join in…

WOF: Well that got us nowhere fast. All in favor of the two kissing so we can move on say Ay.

Everyone but Matty and Alucard: AY!

Matty and Alucard: Fine.

*Ever so slowly then lean closer until their lips touch, but this doesn't last long*

Matty: Gross! Blek! I touched vampire lips! Blek! Disgusting! Yuck!

Alucard: It wasn't sunshine and roses for me either girl *wiping his mouth*

WOF: For a kiss that didn't last more than three seconds that took an unnecessarily long time to happen. Ok, back into the dimension where you came from.

*Reopens portal and pushes Matty inside*

WOF: Well that was interesting, now we can finally move on!

Walter: Who was that guy?

Integra: I have no clue.

WOF: OK! The second question is from Lalechugaloca.

Seras: *sings* Lalechugaloca! Lalechugaloca! Da-da da da dada!

*WOF, Integra, and Alucard all glare at her*

Seras: Sorry, couldn't help myself.

WOF: Anyway, this question is from Lalechugaloca and she asks:** Esto promete ser divertido :) Por favor, dime que invitaste a Pip *-* Yo  
quiero un striptease de Alucard y Pip! hehehe también podría ser un Walter  
vestido de niñera y Integra con Seras disfrazadas de lindos conejitos :)**

Pip: Ah…what?

Alucard: I speak eight languages fluently… and Spanish is not one of them.

Integra: But you've been alive for so long. How come you have taken the time to learn it?

Alucard: Have you ever seen a Chilean in Europe?

Integra: Well…no.

Alucard: Exactly.

WOF: Back on subject! I can tell you what she said- *gets cut off *

Seras: But if we can't read the question how will we know what she wants us to do!? And if we don't know then how are we supposed to continue on with the show!? *Starts hyperventilating*

Alucard: Seras! Calm down! You do this every time you get confused!

Seras: *Continuing to hyperventilate* Does *gasp* anyone *gasp* have a *gasp* paper bag?

Walter: *Comes out with one* Here you are Miss Victoria. Now please calm down.

Seras: *Breaths in and out of the bag while fanning her face vigorously with her hand*

*Everybody waits for a few moments before Seras puts the bag down*

WOF: Ya good?

Seras: Mm-hm.

WOF: Good. Now what I've been trying to tell you guys was that I already have the translation of the question already!

Everyone in the studio: Ooooohhh…

WOF: Basically what she said was she wanted a striptease from both Pip and Alucard and wanted the girls in bunny suits.

Alucard: Nope! Not doing it. Not striping for strangers.

WOF: Oh come on! You're such a baby!

Integra: Tell me about it.

Alucard: *growls at his master*

WOF: Yeah Alucard. You don't see Pip complaining.

Pip: I will strip for any pretty girl who asks, and maybe sometimes for a cute guy. But mostly women, cause I don't swing that way. He would have to have a lot of money on him. Not that I'm saying I would do it…it's just…umm…ya know…

*Complete silence*

Pip: Shut up!

Alucard: I'm still not doing it.

WOF: Ah, ah, ah! You have to do what I say. *claps hands and a disco ball drops from the ceiling, different colored strobe lights appear, and the song I'm Sexy and I Know It begins to play*

Pip: Yeah! This is my jam! *Rips off his cloths and starts dancing awkwardly in his underwear*

Seras/Wild Geese: GO CAPTIAN! GO CAPTIAN! GO CAPTIAN!

*Integra's eye twitches and Walter watches with a look of disgust*

WOF: See Alucard, he's doing it. Just think if you do this you'll never have to do it again.

Alucard: Really? After this you promise that I'll never have to do a stupid thing like that ever again?

WOF: I promise. *crosses fingers behind back*

Alucard: …Fine! I'll do it! *goes to the dance floor wearing nothing but his pants, chest totally exposed (fan-girls start freaking out!)*

Integra: Oh…god…*trying to cover her nose bleed*

Walter: Indeed. *taking out his handkerchief to wipe the blood gushing from his nose*

WOF: Don't think I forgot about you and Seras.

*snaps fingers and Seras is wearing a bunny mascot suit while Integra is wearing a Playboy bunny outfit*

Integra: AHH! What the hell am I wearing!?

*Everybody but Seras, who is wearing a bunny head over her costume, is stunned and unable to take their eyes off Integra*

Alucard: Gah! *a fountain of blood gushes from his nostrils* HOTNESS!

WOF: Agreement! *takes pictures*

Seras: What's wrong master? I sense that you're in some kind of distress. *takes off costume head* Gah! *gets nose bleed and falls over*

Integra: *trying to cover herself* You put my regular cloths back on me right now!

WOF: It's either this or nothing at all. Take your pick.

Alucard: *tissues stuffed up his nose* The second option is good to master.

Integra: SHUT UP! *runs backstage* This is humiliating!

WOF: Insanity, humiliation, and nose bleeds. My work here is done. But with all seriousness folks, thanks for watching! Join us next time when we play spin the bottle and answer a few more of your questions. Thanks for watching and we hope to see you again real soon. Leave a review so we can continue on with the show. Remember, stay crazy my friends.

Integra: *Comes out with a sword in her hand* Come over here so I can cut you into a million pieces you (****ing) witch!

WOF: Oh god! *runs away*

* * *

**A/N: Thanks again to Mr. Schrödinger and Lalechugaloca for their reviews. Sorry that I couldn't do the third one but I'll defiantly do it next chapter. If anyone reads this, please review so that I can continue on with this fanfic. It was so much fun to make and I can't wait to make more. So again, thanks for all of those who are following this and please, please, please leave a review. – Witch of Fate **


	3. Episode 3

**I don't own Hellsing or the lyrics to the songs in this chapter. Enjoy! **

* * *

WOF: Welcome back to the third installment of torturing Alucard with your questions. I'm your host Witch of Fate and this is The Hellsing Random Talk Show.

*applause from the audience*

WOF: Thank you! Thank you! If it weren't for you there wouldn't even be a show!

Walter: Yeah if it weren't for you we wouldn't be here, against our will, doing whatever you freaks want us to do. Someone please help us.

WOF: Hey! What did I say about making distress signals!? Back to what we're doing, let me just start out by saying that you guys are a real bunch of sick, twisted individuals… keep it up! *gives thumbs up* Today we're going to start off with real questions first since they are the easiest to handle. Ok so first question comes from valentino-mp and he says: **i have two questions...****  
****for alucard do you think enrico secretly lust after integra and how does it****  
****make you feel? -I kwow what does to me!-****  
****and the last one for integra what shampo you wear i want your hair (literally)****  
****damnnn youre so sexy and and... i want to rape you! Over and over! Then kill****  
****you! And rpe you againnn! Ahhhhhh...!****Atte: jan valenti-n-e-eh-hhm mr. Joans Valentino e.e**

Integra: O_O I'm not even going to comment on his grammar.

Alucard: *grabs Integra and holds her in a protective hug* Hey! Nobody's going to rape my master but me!

Integra: What!?

WOF: That's right! *hugs Integra* I get to rape her to.

Integra: You!? But you a women!

WOF: I can dream Integra!

Walter: Oh boy.

WOF: *lets go* Good questions you psychopath, I-I mean valentino-mp. *takes out pen and paper/mumbles* Note to self, make restraining order against valentine-mp for Integra. *clicks pen and puts paper in pocket* Alucard, your answer?

Alucard: *still holding on* No, I highly doubt it.

WOF: It would be interesting though.

Alucard: No, that would just be creepy.

WOF: Alright. Integra?

Integra: I'm not telling him that! He's a creep! He just said he was going to rape me!

WOF: Ah, but who is worse? Him or Enrico?

Integra: … John Frieda Sheer Blonde Color Renew Tone Correcting Shampoo.

Alucard: *smiles* Her hair smells like almonds.

Integra: Alucard would you please let go?

Alucard: B-b-but master. *Looks at her with puppy dog eyes* I just want to protect you.

Integra: *looks at him for a while* Maybe for a bit longer…

WOF: AW! She does have a heart. Somewhere really, really, really, really, really, really, really deep down.

Integra: Shut up.

WOF: Next question comes from Colezilla and he asks-*gets cut off*

Seras: Run! It's Colezilla!

*Silence*

Alucard: Ha! I get.

WOF: Seras its Colezilla not Godzilla.

Seras: I know. I just couldn't resist.

WOF: Well he asks: **I only have one question for Alucard: who would you rather fight, The Captain or Incognito?**

Alucard: Good question Colezilla. If I had to choose I'd say…Incognito. It was fun fighting someone of equal power to me.

WOF: Now onto the next question. This is from TheReaperOfRainbows and the question is: **I have two questions, if you don't mind:****1: Heinkel, what gender are you?****2: Luke and Jan (and whatever Millennium members want to answer), what did you****  
****do before you joined Millennium?**

Heinkel: For the love of God why can't anyone get my gender right!? I'm a woman damn it!

WOF: Probably because you dress like a priest.

Heinkel: I can dress myself in whatever I want!

WOF: So…your intention **WAS** to look like a man?

Heinkel: Grr! *stomps backstage*

WOF: Luke, Jan, your input.

Luke: That's a very good question. I was studying to be a lawyer.

Jan: And I wasn't working cause that's boring as f***!

Seras: See these are the nice questions normal people should ask.

WOF: Screw normal lass! Freaks all the way!

Seras: *sighs* Can't say I didn't try.

WOF: Alright, this question comes from anonymous, or as Fanfiction likes calls it "Guest". Their question was: **1.** **Alucard, Anderson and Walter should do the Carmelldansen.****  
****2. Alucard is forced to engage in spin the bottle with all hellsing****  
****members****  
****3. Seras and Integra should wrestle.****  
****4 Alucard gets to burn Pips ** collection ;)**

WOF: Why sure they can! Thanks for sending it in!

Alucard: *let's go of Integra* Spin the bottle? What's that?

WOF: Oh you'll find out in a moment, but first things first. *Turns on Caramelldansen* You must dance. Come on I'll do it with you!

*Anderson, Walter, Alucard, and the Witch of Fate all do the Caramelldansen until the song ends*

Integra: Well that was… interesting.

WOF: It's what the fans want. Don't ask questions. Now then, let's do part two.*Summons a mega phone* Listen up everyone! I need every member of Hellsing to join in! We're going to play spin the bottle! Everyone sit in a circle!

*Everyone sits down*

WOF: *blasts mega phone in Walters ear* The rules of the game are simple! When it's your turn you-

Walter: Put the mega phone down! I may be old but I'm not deaf!

WOF: Sorry. *puts it away* When it's your turn you spin the bottle and the person who the bottle stops spinning on must kiss the person who spun it. No Guy/Girl Kissing rules usually apply but will not be used this time round for entertainment purposes. Usually if the bottle happens to stop on a guy when a guy spun it, the girl nearest to the stopped bottle must kiss the guy who spun it. But we're not doing that. Get it, got it, good; now let's play! Seras you can go first since you're less fussy.

Seras: Ok! *spins bottle and lands on Walter*

Pip: Walter you lucky son.

Walter: *blushes a bright crimson* Oh my.

Seras: *leans forward and kisses him on the cheek* Who's next?

Integra: That would be me. *spins bottle and lands on Walter*

WOF: Walter's just getting all the luck today isn't he!

Alucard: *groans* Tell me about it.

Pip: Let's see if I get lucky. *spins bottle and lands on one of the member of the wild geese* Yuck! Do I…have to?

WOF: The No Guy/Girl rule was taken out so… yeah.

Wild Geese Member: It's not like it's your first time Captain.

Pip: Shut up! *Kisses him on the mouth* There, you happy!?

WOF: Very *evil grin appears*

Alucard: Last and final turn goes to me *Spins the bottle that lands on Pip* Ew! No! *Pushes it to Integra* That's better. Pucker up beautiful *makes kissy faces*

Integra: He can't do that! That's against the rules!

Alucard: Bitch the rules can bite me. Now kiss me.

Integra: No!

Alucard: Yes! *jumps on top of her*

Integra: *struggling to get him off* No! Get off of me!

Alucard: But I love you!

WOF: INTERVENTION! *picks Alucard off the women and throws him across the room and into the wall*

Pip: Whoa, girls got arm.

WOF: *pulls Integra to her feet* Let's move on shall we. Next on the list is for Seras and Integra to wrestle! *snaps fingers and a wrestling ring appears and puts the two in the ring* Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the first ever Hellsing wrestling match! In this corner, weighing a whopping 116 pound is our favorite Draculina, SERAS VICTORIA!

*Crowd cheers*

Seras: *Waves* Hi.

WOF: And in the other corner weighing at 108 pounds is the one, the only, SIR INTEGRA HELLSING!

*Crowd continues to cheer*

WOF: Now that introductions have been made let's have a clean fight. No scratching, no cursing, and no foul play. Now begin!

*Bell rings*

Seras: AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *runs towards Sir Integra*

Integra: *Pinches the charging vampires' neck which makes her fall to the ground unconscious*

Referee: 1! 2! 3! You're out! Sir Integra wins!

*Crowd cheers*

WOF: What did you do to her?

Integra: Vulcan nerve pinch.

WOF: …OK. Good job! Walter, would you take the next question away?

Walter: Certainly ma'am. This is actually starting to be quiet fun. Due to time we are going to do several questions at once. The questions are from Karly101-UnitedBarsaF8ful, DevilDriver III, and another from Mr. Schrödinger.

Alucard: HISSSSSSSS!

WOF: Stop it that's rude!

Walter: Karly101-UnitedBarsaF8ful asks: **Hahahahaha! This is WAAAAAAAAAAY too funny, so I'll contribute with the****  
****insanity! Here's the catch: I'd love to see Alucard dressed in a dog suit,****  
****Seras and Integra in a Lucha Libre match against 2 of the Wild Geese and Rip****  
****van Winkle RAP SINGING! *no opera, sorry xD* Opcional: you can make Anderson****  
****do something really, REALLY embarassing *like dressing up into a pizza slice****  
****costume and sing horrid tunes while the other Iscariots do back-singing*****  
****Well, that's all for now, HASTA LA VISTA! :DDD**

WOF: *putting dog ears on Alucard* What? The costume store didn't have any dog costumes.

Walter: DevilDriver III asks: **1. Force Alucard & Anderson to read a AxAA fic.****  
****2. Force Integra and Enrico to read a IxE fic.****  
****3. Get Seras and Integra to striptease (starts nosebleed)****  
****4. Get the whole cast to listen to 'Friday' by Rebecca black.****  
****5. Bring back the Valentine Brothers! (Optional)**

Valentine Brothers: We're already here!

Walter: Lastly, Mr. Schrödinger says: **me: gutontag again****  
****matty: that was so humiliating shro...NEVER AGIAN!****  
****me: well i maybe a nazi but i hate grammar... dok always tried to teach me but****  
****meh...****  
****matty: can it cat boy...****  
****me: *evil stare*****  
****matty: oh no****  
****me: you matty and the witch must have a 2hr kissing session with JAN AND LUKE****  
****or ALUCARD!****  
****matty: NOOOOOOO...! *hides*****  
****me: i am everywhere and nowhere, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU HIDE!****  
****matty: please someone kill him...****  
****me: you know what to do...*evil grin* and why not sir integra go in a tutu and****  
****sing im a ballarina for the major...**

WOF: Looks like we're bringing Matty back. *opens up a portal*

Integra: Oh come on! A ballerina!? Now you're just asking to get shot in the head again!

WOF: *dragging Matty along* Come on guys! Chop, chop! Can't keep our fans waiting!

Matty: Help me!

WOF: Here's how this is going to work; the Geese, Rip, Integra, and Seras are going to be here doing the rap battle in the arena. Matty and the Vanentine Brothers are going to go in a dark separate room to do something that I'm not doing. Don't worry I'll come in later to check up on you.

Matty: Nooooooo!

WOF: Alucard will stay here with Anderson to read hot fanfictions about themselves while the rap battle in commencing. Are we clear?

Anderson: We're going to read what now?

WOF: Alright team. BREAK!

*Everyone runs off to go do what they're supposed to do*

Anderson: *at a computer* Alright, look up AxAA fic's, whatever they are. Shouldn't be too bad, what is the worse these people can write about?

~Meanwhile in the newly converted Hellsing rap battle wrestling ring~

Rip Van Winkle: Are you ready to be burned like firewood by my sick rapping Sir Hellsing?

Integra: *In her Lucha Libre costume* You'll look like a burn victim by the time I'm done with you!

Referee: Due to the fact that Seras is still passed out on the floor over there we're going to have to disqualify the Wild Geese to make it a fair fight.

Integra: Well then I guess we're going to have to battle it out between the two of us.

Rip Van Winkle: Fine by me. Just don't go crawling to your little pet vampire when you fail miserably.

Integra: Oh please. It will be you who will lose this battle.

Referee: Are you two ready?

Integra/Rip: Yes!

Referee: Rip will start. When the beat ends your turn is over. Now being!

*Beat starts up*

Rip Van Winkle: Watch and learn poser! *starts rapping* Get crunk, get drunk, get f***ed up.  
Throw your hands in the air, that's what's up.  
Now pass me the forty girl.  
I need to get drunk before it's over girl!  
So don't you take this drink from me.  
I will knock you down on your knees.  
And make you lick my penis up and down, up and down...

Up and down, back and forth,  
I'm making you my w****.  
Up and down, back and forth,  
Girl you will be my w****...

I'm so f***ed up! I'm so blah blah blah!  
What the f***? I'm so f***ed upppppppp...

Girl I'm too drunk to drive.  
Will you take me home tonight?  
You can be my sugar dumpling, muffin baby, pumpkin pie!  
So look into my eyes.  
Do you really think I'd lie?  
Girl I'm not kidding when I say I need a f***ing ride!

Drink up, drunk ****, you catch up.  
I'm too f***ed up to stand up.  
I don't drink to impress myself.  
I drink to wake up in your girlfriends house.  
And when I wake up in her bed.  
I tell that bitch to give me head.  
I make her lick my penis up and down, up and down...

Up and down, back and forth,  
I'm making you my w****.  
Up and down, back and forth,  
Girl you will be my w****...

I'm so f***ed up! I'm so blah blah blah!  
What the f***? I'm so f***ed upppppppp...

*Beat ends and the crowd cheers. Outside the ring the Witch of Fate has a devious idea*

WOF: Since everyone's distracted by the contest I can finally sell these to the fans on the sly! *takes bunches of pictures out of her pocket*

*Alucard walks up*

WOF: Oh hey Alucard. Sorry about throwing you into the wall. You just wouldn't stop and I didn't know what else to do.

Alucard: *picking pieces of plaster out of his hair* It's alright. I got kind of carried away. *sees that she has a bunch of pictures in her hands* So… I heard you're selling those pictures of Integra in that bunny suit she wore in the last episode.

WOF: Yeah so?

Alucard: Can I buy some copies of her in the suit?

WOF: How many would you like?

Alucard: How many you got?

Pip: You got any of Seras.

WOF: *Holds up pictures*

Alucard/Pip: *both take out their wallets and start throwing their money at her* GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!

WOF: *talks in a thick New York accent* Ok so it's 30 for regular, 60 for the costumed girls, and 150 for the nudies! Get 'em while they're hot! Alucard shouldn't you be with Anderson in front of the computer?

Alucard: In a minute! How much is the set?

~Meanwhile back in the ring~

Rip: Beat that!

*New beat starts up*

Integra: My turn. *raps*

1, here comes the 2 to the 3 to the 4, Everybody drunk out on the dance floor, Baby girl ass jiggle like she want more, Like she a groupie and I aint even on tour, Maybe cause she heard that I rhyme hardcore, Or maybe cause she heard that I buy out the stores, Bottom of the 9th and a n**** gotta score, If not i gotta move on to the next floor!

Here comes the 3 to the 2 to the 1, Homeboy trippin' he don't know I got a gun, When it come to pop man we do s*** for fun, You aint got one n**** you betta run, Now i'm in the back gettin head from my hunz, While she goin down i'm breakin down what i done, She smokin my blunt sayin she aint havin fun, Bitch give it back now you don't get none.

Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy! (Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy) Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy! (Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy) Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy! (Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy) Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy! (Everybody in this club gettin' tipsy)

Referee: *blows whistle* That's it! You, the fans, get to decide the winner. So decrees the Witch of Fate!

WOF: Now…Striptease!

*crowd goes nuts*

WOF: Seras is still passed out cold on the ground so we're going to have to carry on with just Integra.

Integra: Oh come on! Why do I have to do everything around here!?

WOF: Because we love you. Now get stripping!

Integra: *slowly starts taking off cloths until she's wearing nothing but her underwear* You happy!

WOF: Ooooo! Integra's wearing Victoria Secret. *takes pictures*

Integra: *grabs cloths and runs off back stage to change* Shut up!

WOF: Alucard would be thrilled to see this. I wonder what he's doing?

~Meanwhile back to Anderson and Alucard who were reading a AxAA fanfic at the computer~

Alucard: *covering his face with his hands and rocking back and forth in the chair* I don't wanna read anymore! I don't wanna read anymore! I don't wanna read anymore! I don't wanna read anymore!

*Anderson left awhile back since he needed to go vomit*

Alucard: That's disgusting! This is horribly, horribly disgusting! What is wrong with you people!? Why can't you leave enemies alone like it should be! You sick freaks! ….Well *takes out pictures of Seras and Integra* at least you can make me feel better.

WOF: *hears Alucard's fly unzip with her super hearing* Hey! Alucard! Pull that back up! It's rated T for teen for a reason! Don't make me change the rating!

Alucard: *groans and zips up his fly*

WOF: Come on guys we only have a few more to go. Someone get Enrico so we can start the fanfics. Which reminds me, I have to check up on Matty and the boys. *Opens up door* How you guys doing in here? *sees Jan and Luke passed out on the floor with foam coming out of their mouth and Matty sitting cross legged in the center* I take it went well?

Matty: Oh thank God you opened the door! *runs out of the room* I hate being in small dark places for long periods of time.

WOF: So how'd it go?

Matty: Good. It started off with about 10 minutes of awkward silences. Then Jan tried to set the mood which didn't help at all. Then Luke invaded my personal space bubble so I pushed him away. Then Jan tried forcing me to kiss him and then…

WOF: And then what?

Matty: Then I took out my handy taser and I zapped them both.

WOF: Uh…huh.

Matty: They wouldn't go down to easy so I zapped them a lot. That's probably why they look like that… You might want to call an ambulance.

WOF: Well I say it worked out fine. You can report back to Mr. Schrödinger that the mission was a somewhat complete success! *Reopens portal*

Matty: Wait.

WOF: *stops*

Matty: Before I go I want to see Integra in a ballerina costume!

WOF: Oh right! I almost forgot about that.

Integra: Damn it Matty! Why'd you have to remind her!?

WOF: *snaps fingers and Integra appears in a ballerina costume* Now off you go to Major to do your little dance. *snaps fingers again and the Major appears in his chair*

Major: Dance for me Fräulein!

Integra: *dances while mumbling to herself* I'm going to kill that f***ing cat. I'm going to kill that f***ing cat. I'm going to kill that f***ing cat. I'm going to kill that f***ing cat.

WOF: *after dance is over* Haha! That was great! *snaps fingers and everything disappears* Ok, now it's time for you to go. *Opens portal once more*

Matty: No! Don't send me back!

WOF: *pushes her in and closes it* Oops. My hands spilled.

Enrico: I am here, what are we doing?

WOF: Sit with Integra at the computer and I'll get you two started.

Integra: Dago.

Enrico: English swine.

WOF: Less offensive insults more reading.

*Both start reading*

Enrico: *reads out loud* He grabbed her ass and squeezed it. Ah, she cried as he… What is this!

Integra: *reads further down* Oh that's disgusting! What sick twisted freak would write such a monstrosity!?

WOF: The sick freaks you are referring to are called fan-girls and or fan-boys. They are what keep this show from going under.

Enrico: *trying not to throw up* Whoever wrote this monstrosity should have their fingers cut off then shot and killed.

WOF: Let's not take it that far. Hey DevilDriver III! Thanks for sending that in! Let's see, next thing on the list is…ew.

Alucard: What is it?

WOF: You have to listen to Friday. Don't want to be in your shoes right now. *puts on noise cancelling headphones and turns on the song for everyone to hear*

Integra: *Covering her ears* Oh God! What is that ghastly music!? If that is music I hear.

Alucard: Master my hearing is a thousand times better than any humans hearing. And this is awful!

Walter: My ears! Their bleeding! *falls to the ground*

Pip: Mine to! *falls to the ground*

Alucard: Me three! *falls to the ground*

Integra: Gah! *falls to the ground*

WOF: WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M WEARING NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES!

*song ends and everyone gets back up*

Alucard: Never make us do that again. Ever!

Walter: Agreed.

Seras: *just woke up* What?

WOF: *takes off headphones* Well that's the end of episode 3 you guys. If you want to see more Hellsing Random Talk Show, leave a review asking questions to the cast or me. If you want to see something happen, leave a review. Again I'm sorry to those whose reviews I didn't put in cause I could squeeze anymore in, it will be shone next episode! I promise that much. But we did have an issue with one of the reviews someone sent in, which mean it's never going in due to it's inappropriate nature. Please try to keep it as T friendly as possible. Other than that, keep on reviewing you crazy kids! Until next time!

Seras: Seriously! What'd I miss?

* * *

**A/N: This was long but fun. Again if you can and if you are still interested, keep reviewing cause this was a delight for me to make. Does anyone actually read this part? If so when you review at the bottom put "does this banana slug make my butt look big?". Just to know cause why add an extra section of the show if no one is reading it. Anyway, I'll soon find out if you are. – Ange Beatrice the Witch of Fate **


	4. Episode 4

**I do not own the song lyrics or Hellsing…enjoy!**

* * *

WOF: Hey Alucard? Do you think French people have cooties?

Alucard: *not paying attention* Yeah I have one to.

WOF: What the f-

WOF's assistant: *pops up from nowhere* This is the Hellsing Random Talk Show!

*theme music plays and applause from the audience erupts in the studio*

WOF: Welcome comrades to episode 4 of The Hellsing Random Talk Show! A special thanks to my lovely assistant Mimi for helping me with the intro. Say hi Mimi.

Mimi: Hi Mimi! I'm a witch in training!

WOF: Yeah no one cares.

Mimi: *gets sad and leaves*

WOF: Today we have some great questions and I must say you guys are awesome, I read over the questions and I love them! Enough of me talking, let's get this thing started! First question is from Karly101-UnitedBarsaF8ful and she says:

**Hahahaha and now I have some questions, cause I'm feeling generous:**

**- Rip, did you play Duck Hunt even once? If so, what do ya think of that goddamned dog?!**

**- Spirit of Harkonnen, why are you so weird?!**

**- Seras, which color is Napoleon's white horse?**

**- Integra, can I kiss you?**

***Inner Karly: But you're a woman!***

***Me: So? Okay, skip that one,hahaha...***

**About the rap battle... I think I'll give the point to Integra!**

**OH! One last thing... does this banana slug make my butt look big?**

WOF: SHE SAID IT! WHOOOOOOOO! YEAH!

Alucard: Does this banana slug make my but look big…?

WOF: If you really want to know then you're going to have to reread the last chapter.

Alucard: …?

WOF: *collects herself* Sorry, I got excited, back to what we were doing. One point Integra, Rip, zero. This makes Integra in the lead by one point. Now then, Rip do you play Duck Hunt?

Rip: What's a duck hunt?

WOF: Apparently she hasn't played it.

Seras: Hate that f***ing dog.

WOF: Hey Seras you sweet little doll! Could you pull out your HUGE gun for me?

Seras: You mean my HUGE gun that shoots MASSIVE bullets?

WOF: Yes that one.

Seras: *takes it out and hands it to her* Be careful, it really BIG so handle it with care.

WOF: Oh I will. *takes it*

Pip: Did anyone else get a boner from that conversation?

WOF: Ew Pip you dirty minded French men! You have a dirty mind! A sick, sick, dirty little mind!

Seras: What? What was he thinking about?

WOF: Forget about it, it's not important. *starts channeling the energy from the Harkonnen* Oh Great Spirit of Harkonnen! Why are you so weird?

SOH: I'm not weird! You're weird!

WOF: No, it is you who is weird!

SOH: You are!

WOF: You are!

SOH: No you are!

WOF: No you are!

SOH: Are you copying me?

WOF: Are you copying me?

SOH: Stop it!

WOF: Stop it!

SOH: I think Team Four Star's videos are stupid and boring.

WOF: You take that back right now! *Drops gun and starts kicking it* Don't you come onto my show spouting lies like that and expect to live! *spits on the gun* I never want to see your ugly face again!

Seras/Alucard: O_O

Alucard: Wow. You must really be…obsessed.

WOF: I'm sorry. I just…really love them and I can't stand the hate. I'm sorry I kicked your gun Seras.

Seras: It's alright. He did kind of go a little overboard.

WOF: Hug it out?

Seras: Sure.

*they hug and the audience awes*

WOF: Well that was emotionally exhausting. Let's keep moving on. Seras, what color is Napoleons white horse?

Seras: …umm…ah…umm…give me a minute…ah…umm…umm…

Alucard: *facepalm* Oh sweet buttery Jesus.

Seras: Hold on I know this! …umm…ah…blue?

WOF: *facepalm* Alucard, can you tell me why you turned her into a vampire again?

Integra: *sighs* I wonder the same thing sometimes. God just did not design her for thinking. Either that or he put her brain in her boobs.

Seras: Hey!

Alucard: Some days I don't know myself. Seras, the answer is it had no color! He never rode a white horse, he rode a mule!

Seras: Oh.

WOF: For the last question, no, you may not kiss her cause she's mine, all mine!

Alucard: *growls at her*

WOF: And his. Sorry Karly101-UnitedBarsaF8ful, ya just can't. But I like your enthusiasm.

Integra: I'm standing right here you know!

Alucard/WOF: *both groan super loud*

WOF: Next question is from flameslavier and she asks:

**Another amazing episode. I cannot wait to see what in the coming episodes. **

**And I would like to see Seras and the Captain of millenium read a fanfic about****  
****them being together, and hear both their reactions. **

**Also two questions for Alucard who do you love more Mina, Integra, Seras or****  
****Anderson? **

**What do you thing of the Hellsing Abriged series?**

**And one for Yumie, what are your true felling toward Heinkel?****  
****And Heinkel, what are your true felling for Yumie?**

**p.s sorry bad english it is not my first language**

WOF: It's OK sweetie, we don't blame you for trying.

Alucard: Me engrish be speaking ze bad!

WOF: *smacks him in the back of his head* Rude. Alright, let's load up the computer. Gonna read more fanfic's. Somebody grab the Captain from the back.

Captain: *comes out from backstage*

Seras: This is so exciting! I've never read fanfiction about myself before.

WOF: Well these are some special ones. *pulls up a story for the two to read*

~Later after reading a few HansXSeras fanfic's~

WOF: Now that you've read them, what do you think about it?

Seras: Some of them were truly disturbing. I mean seriously people! If you break it down, it's the equivalence of f***ing a dog! A dog! No offence.

Captain: …

Seras: But the rest of them were really sweet. See that's how these stories should be. If there is going to be any type of relationship it should be the love between an owner and their beloved pet. Not some intimate relationship some people write about. That's just creepy. Other than that I really don't mind reading these.

WOF: Good feedback for anyone deciding to write a fanfiction of this pairing. Hans, do you have anything else to add?

Captain: …

WOF: Thanks Hans! Now then Alucard, who do you love more Mina, Integra, Seras or Anderson?

Alucard: …That's a loaded question.

WOF: Wait, you like Anderson!?

Alucard: What? No! I don't like him, I loathe him!

WOF: *turns towards the audience and whispers* Secretly they're BFF's.

Alucard: We are not!

WOF: Next question. What do you think of Hellsing Abridged?

Alucard: *starts manically laughing* It's wonderful! I love it! I can't wait till the next episode comes out. The man who voices me is really good at portraying my image.

Integra: Hellsing Abridged!? What the hell is that?

WOF: It's this AWESOME web series that makes fun of Hellsing. It's so funny I must show you it!

Alucard: Bitch I eat people!

WOF: *in an echoy voice* Police girl, Police girl! *Alucard joins in* You are reading your masters mind. Put my head between your boobs!

Seras: Wha!

WOF/Alucard: Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is, put me between your legs!

*both fall over laughing like hyenas*

Seras: The hell are they talking about!?

Integra: Part of me is intrigued to know and part of me isn't.

Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon.

WOF/Alcuard: Bitches love cannons!

*For a second time they both fall over in hysterics*

Seras: Could we move on already?

Alucard: *all giggly* Give me a minute; I need to catch my breath.

WOF: *same as Alucard* Man that was good. When this is over lets re-watch the series at my place.

Alucard: Sure.

WOF: Party at my place! All is welcome to come! OK, next question…Yumie, what are your true felling toward Heinkel? Heinkel, what are your true felling for Yumie?

Yumie: We've been together for so long and have been very good friends for years. To me she's like a sister. But I guess you can say that she is my best friend in the whole world. I love her from the bottom of my heart and hope that we'll stay friends forever.

Heinkel: Really? I think of you as a close co-worker that I hang out with.

Yumie: …What?

WOF: Awkward!

Mimi: Heart crushing moment!

WOF: MIMI!

Mimi: Huh?

WOF: Who would win in a fight? Alucard or Popo?

Mimi: Popo.

WOF: I agree. Who do you think would win in a fight? Alucard or Popo? Leave a review with your answer and a question/request.

Mimi: I thought you said you weren't going to do advertising in the show?

WOF: It's my show, I can do whatever the frig I want! Moving on! Next question comes from Rut and he asks: **That was awesome :D****  
****Meeting with Twilight cast. Mwahaha. Classic :D**

**Anderson showing how to step dancing in irish way properly (Riverdance! :D)****  
**

Alucard: AH HELL NO! Don't bring those freaks here!

Anderson: *brings out a boom box and plays Irish music* Taste the Irish you bloody heathens! *starts step dancing*

Integra: I want to join to! *joins Anderson in dancing*

WOF: Integra you step dance?

Integra: I maybe English, but I still have a bit of Ireland in me! *continues to dance*

Walter: *filming the two dancing*

WOF: Even though I thoroughly don't want to, let's bring in the people who call themselves vampires, the cast of Twilight. *opens an infinite rip and Bella and Edward fall out of it*

Bella: Uh…where are we?

Edward: Don't worry Bella, I'll protect you. *begins to sparkle under the stage lights*

WOF: *mimics Edward* Don't worry Bella, I'll protect you by staring at these people until they get bored and leave. Then we can run into the sunset as I sparkle and make creepy CGI babies together for the rest of our pointless existence.

Edward: Are you making fun of us?

WOF: What do you think walking disco ball?

Edward: I'd say you are.

WOF: *slowly claps* Somebody get this boy a prize.

Edward: Really?

WOF: No.

Seras: Master? If we're vampires why don't we get to sparkle?

Alucard: *eye twitches* Real vampires…don't…F***ING…**SPARKLE**! *goes into a rage and starts shooting at Bella and Edward until they're nothing but corpses full of massive holes* Does that answer your question Police Girl?

Seras: *scared* Yes sir!

Alucard: *puts his guns away* Well now that that's over we can finally rest in peace because I just kill Twilight! *gets all happy and excited*

WOF: I hate to burst your blood packet Alucard, but you actually didn't kill them.

Alucard: …Wait…what?

WOF: Yeah, you see those were one of the many Bella and Edward's that exist in the multiverse. They are alive in a billion different worlds. It's not over because the one you see before you is dead. You would have to kill them at the source so they never even existed in the first place.

Alucard: Your logic confuses me, but as long as they're out of my universe I'm ok.

WOF: Good to hear it! Our next question comes fro- *gets cut off by a infinite rip appearing and a girl on her bed playing video games appears in the studio*

XenaTheAlienChick: DIE MONSTERS DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAA! *looks towards everyone who are staring at her surprised* wait...how the frig did my bed, tv, xbox 360 get here and already plugged into an outlet? *thinks for a moment* Screw it. I have some questions I wish to ask!

WOF: Well hello there little girl! Before we start with your questions I need to consult with my associates. Could you give us a minute?

XenaTheAlienChick: Sure. *goes back to playing her violent video game*

WOF: *turns away from the mystery girl so that she couldn't hear them* Alucard, *whispers* did you see that?

Alucard: *whispering to* Don't worry you're not crazy, I saw it to. What was that? How did she get here?

WOF: I think she went through an infinite rip all by herself! Unknowingly!

Alucard: Infinite rip? What's that?

WOF: You know the thing I was talking about earlier. Basically they are doorways to different worlds. Upper class witches like myself use them to travel to new dimensions when we get bored of the ones we were previously in. Each world is similar and different from each other, which means there are endless possibilities and outcomes one can experience through these doorways. She must have accidentally made one and traveled to our world. It's the only explanation. It's strange; no human has ever created a successful rip and traveled through it. Let alone make one on their own.

Alucard: But I thought you said that only high class witches could make them.

WOF: That is true. If she is making them, then…

Alucard: Then what!?

WOF: I'll need to run some test first. In the mean time I need you to look for anything that seems out of place about her. If she's missing a part of her body then I can confirm my obvious suspicions, though it could be another possibility. Other than that just act normal, smile, and don't arouse suspicion. The last thing we need is her to run away before we get some answers about how she got here.

Alucard: Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! So you're saying that she has these powers but unknowingly fell into our world and is now in our show thinking that nothing ever happened?

WOF: Precisely!

XenaTheAlienChick: Hey guy! Can I join your whispering party to?

WOF: *stops whispering* That's ok. We were done anyway. Isn't that right Alucard?

Alucard: …Yeah, sure. *clears his throat* So what were those questions you were going to ask?

XenaTheAlienChick: …Oh right! So I was gonna ask…umm… Seras what kind of movies do you like? Alucard can I wear your badass hat please? Pip how did you lose your eye? Walter, have a butler off against Sebastian from Kuroshitsuji. In a paintball war who would win Integra, Enrico, or the major? Anderson play the game slender. Rip sing Lilium from Elfen Lied pretty please. And for my final question since I'm pretty sure no one cares for Enrico chug a whole bottle of Tabasco hot sauce. That's all, thank you for answering my questions and doing the dares and all that jazz. *continues playing the game*

Alucard: No you can't wear my hat! It's my hat!

WOF: *steps on his foot and orders him under her breath* Keep the customer happy. The happier she is the more information we get.

Alucard: *groans and puts his hat on XenaTheAlienChick*

XenaTheAlienChick: *has a spazz attack* Yea!

WOF: That's one down only *counts on fingers* seven to go! What movies do you like Seras?

Seras: I like romantic comedies and action movies.

WOF: Pip, how did you lose your eye?

Pip: Well…*goes into flashback (use your imagination people!)* it happened many years ago in the Swiss Alps. We were working for a guy who wanted us to take out a man and his minions who were blowing up the mountain in search of plutonium. His men out numbered us but what he didn't know was that we had used his own explosives we found in his underground bunker to booby trap the mountain. Let's just say in the end the explosion was so intense that a large rock hit my right eye which made my lose it. *out of flashback*

XenaTheAlienChick: …Wow…

Member of the Wild Geese: But Sir! That's not how it happened! What really happened was…*goes into flashback*

Pip: Hey Kevin! Check this out. I learned how to juggle knives!

Kevin: Sir that doesn't look very safe.

Pip: *gets pieced in the eye* AHHHHHH!

*out of flashback*

Member of the Wild Geese: And that's how it happened.

Alucard: HA HA! I just lost all respect for you.

Pip: You promised you weren't gonna talk about it!

Member of the Wild Geese: Oh…sorry sir.

Pip: *runs backstage holding back tears* DON'T LOOK AT ME!

XenaTheAlienChick: *laughing*

WOF: And thus the truth flows forth from the mouth of lies! With that, we move on to witness an epic butler battle between Walter from Hellsing and Sebastian from Black Butler. But first I'm going to gear up Tegy, Major, and Enrico for their battle as well. *Uses her magic to equip them all*

Enrico: *holding his Smith & Wesson SD40 VE paint gun* This looks like the real thing. Are you sure this is a paint gun?

WOF: I made them look real but I assure you that they're no- *gets cut off when he fires his gun at Integra who dodges and the paintball hits Alucard in the face*

Enrico: *drops gun* Oh-no.

Alucard: *slowly turns to him with anger radiating off him* I'm gonna kill you.

Enrico: AH! *runs away*

Alucard: *runs after him* Get back here!

~Later after the manhunt ends~

Enrico: *nursing a black eye*

Integra: *standing with the Major* Are you done? We're waiting on you.

Enrico: *gets up* I'll show you! I'll show all of you!

*All three run into the arena that the Witch of Fate had summoned earlier*

Alucard: *rubbing his cheek* That really hurt.

Seras: You want me to kiss it to make it better?

Alucard: No! Maybe…

WOF: Guys come on we can't get sidetracked now! We're almost done with the questions! Continuing forward with our next question, have a butler off between Walter and Sebastian from Black Butler. *opens another portal and Sebastian comes out with a cart of delicious looking deserts*

Sebastian: What? Where am I? I do say this is quite troubling. I must get these desserts to my Bocchan, he becomes quite peckish around noon. You there witch! Where am I and how do I get back to master?

WOF: Welcome to the 21'st century Sebastian! My name is Ange Beatrice. I am the Witch of Fate. I have brought you to this time because I am running a show and one of the questions are asking for you and the butler Walter from this time to have a butler off. *whispers* My money's on you.

Sebastian: A butler off? That's all you wanted me from me? I'll do it to prove that no matter the time or dimension, I am and always will be, simply one hell of a butler. *does his famous sexy smirk*

Walter: *pushes Ange Beatrice aside* Hello. My name is Walter C. Dornez, I am butler to the Hellsing Organization. I am the backbone of this facility and though I may be old, I am one simply one hell of a vampire AND demon hunter. *his wires flicker behind him*

Sebastian: A demon hunter? I haven't seen one in years. Let's have some fun shall we. *his demon eyes start glowing a brighter red*

~After the epic butler battle ends only thirty minutes later~

Walter: *partly charred and face cut up* I think I might have underestimated my opponent…and how old I am. *falls over*

Sebastian: *unscathed* That all?

WOF: Integra you lost.

Integra: *grumbles while handing her money*

WOF: *sends Sebastian back to his time* Now we begin the other epic battle of Anderson trying to play and finish the game Slender.

Anderson: *at the computer playing Slender* Slender. Wow they really went all out of the opening. I don't see what's so scary about this game. *starts playing* All you do is walk around looking for paper. And the footsteps sounds like you're walking on a bunch of Cheetos. *takes first sheet of paper and evil background music starts* Whoa…scary background music. I'm sure it's nothing. *keeps walking around* So I'm in the middle of the woods, at midnight, with a flashlight with low battery power, and no means of escaping…seems legit. *collects second paper* Is it me or is the music getting louder in this game? *continues playing* So what's the point of Slender Man? I don't get it, what's so bad about him?

WOF: Slender Man is a tall creature that has no face and wears a black business suit. His arms long and tentacle like and he stalks, abducts, or traumatize people, mainly children. They say the people who see him go completely mad until they eventually disappear.

Anderson: Disappear?

WOF: Yeah. Once a person sees him, he will come for them. No one who's seen him has lived long enough to tell the tale.

Anderson: But he's not real right…?

WOF: *shrugs* Who's to say.

Anderson: *continues playing the game but is more fidgety*

Alucard: Slender Man? If he's so evil, why haven't I heard of it?

WOF: *whispers so Anderson doesn't hear* You wouldn't have heard of him cause he's not real. It's a fictional character that's only an internet meme. All the photos of him are photo shopped, everything about him is fake. I just like telling people he's real just to scare the crap out of them.

Alucard: You are a genius.

Anderson: *screen starts to fuzz over* Ahh! What's happening! *Slender Man appears on the screen* AHHHHH! AHHHH! IT'S HIM! IT'S HIM! IT'S SLENDER MAN! *blacks out and falls off the chair*

WOF/Alucard: *roaring with laugher*

Alucard: Sweet black f***ing Sabbath! That was hilarious! Did you see his face!

WOF: That was priceless! I should have had my camera with me. I don't think anything can top him playing Slender. Let's bring in Rip so she can do her song.

Rip: *comes out wearing Lucy's horns* I'm ready for my solo!

*music kicks starts*

Rip: *sings* Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam,  
Et lingua eius loquetur indicium.

Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem,  
Quoniqm cum probates fuerit accipient coronam vitae.

Kyrie, fons bonitatis.  
Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.

*Integra who just came from the paintball competition goes up to where Ange and Alucard are standing behind stage*

Integra: *her face is smeared with black and green camouflage paint and is wearing her jacket around her waist. Her white tang top was covered in dirty stains and she glistened with sweat. Around her forehand was a red headband with the Hellsing emblem on it. In her right hand she held a sniper rifle and in her left a submachine gun, both modified to shoot only paint-balls* So what'd I miss?

WOF: You're just in time. Rip is doing her song.

Alucard: Damn you look sexy Integra.

Integra: Oh ha ha very funny.

WOF: *mumbles* I don't think he was joking.

Integra: What was that?

WOF: Nothing. So how'd it go?

Integra: Pfft! It was so obvious from the start who would win. Let's just say that Enrico and Major are my bitches now.

Alucard: That's my girl!

Integra: Not your girl.

Alucard: *slumps over in sadness*

WOF: Sshh! Rip is still singing.

Rip: O quam sancta, quam serena,  
Quam benigma, quam amoena esse Virgo creditur.  
O quam sancta, quam serena,  
Quam benigma, quam amoena,  
O castitatis lilium.

Alucard: *listens for a while* Bored now. *takes one of Integras guns and shoots a paintball at the singers head which makes her stop singing on impact*

*music stops*

Rip: *completely dumbstruck*

Enrico: *comes up covered in different colored paint and still holding onto his Smith & Wesson paint gun comes out from the arena at the worst time possible* What happened?

Rip: *turns her head to stare at him*

Integra/Alucard: *shoves their guns into Enricos arms*

Enrico: *arms full* Umm...

Rip: *turns bright red* IT WAS YOOOOOUUUUUUU!

Alucard: If I were you...run.

Enrico: *drops everything and runs*

Rip: GET BACK HERE YOU ITALIAN PRICK! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR INTERRUPTING MY SOLO! *runs after him*

Integra/WOF/Alucard/Major/ XenaTheAlienChick: *laughing hysterically*

Major: She alvays vas a hot one. That's vhy ve recruited her.

Enrico: Help! I'm too young to die!

Rip: *catches him* YOU WILL PAY! *starts beating him up*

Enrico: Not the face! Not the face! Anything but my beautiful face!

WOF: *jumps between the two* Pause! Here Enrico, drink this! *hands him a red bottle*

Enrico: *takes it* What is it?

WOF: It will increase your strength so you can have the strength to fight.

Enrico: Really? That's very kind of you. *drinks it and splits it back out* This is hot sauce!

WOF: I know.

Enrico: But…but…why!?

WOF: Because it's funny. *turns to Rip and steps out of the war zone* Continue.

Rip: With pleasure! *starts beating him up again*

~Later after they calmed down Rip and took Maxwell to the infirmary due to several broken bones and internal bleeding~

WOF: Let's move on with the next question which is from alufangirl1993.

Alucard: That name sounds so familiar…

WOF: Alufangirl1993 asks: **Hello, hilarious show. I have a simple request.****  
****1. Make alucard play the original castlevania.****  
****2. Make seras drink 2 liters of blood any type.**

Integra: I love Castlevania!

WOF: Me to!

*both start squealing and jumping up and down*

Alucard: I didn't know you liked video games.

Integra: Alucard there's a lot of things you don't know about me.

WOF: I've got the game all set up. Come on Alucard, this is going to be fun!

~Half an hour into the game later~

Alucard: I don't get it! I'm Alucard! There can't be two Alucards. Why is he Alucard!?

Integra: Calm down! Alucard is son of Dracula so- *gets cut off*

Alucard: Son of Dracula!? But I'm Dracula! How is Dracula and Alucard…oh no…

Integra: What?

Alucard: I have a son!?

WOF: No Alucard it's just a ga-

Alucard: AHHHHHHH! *throws control across the room and runs away*

Integra/WOF: *facepalm*

Integra: I'll go get him and try to calm him down. *runs after him* Alucard! Come back! It's just a game!

WOF: You do that. *turns to Seras and smiles*

Seras: But I don't want to drink the blood.

WOF: You don't have to.

Seras: Really?

WOF: No. *shoves a funnel down her throat and force feeds her the two liters of blood* They never specified that she had to drink it on her own free will. So I improvised!

Seras: *hacking and coughing* Don't do that!

WOF: It was the only way it was going to get down. Plus you should be thanking me cause now you're a little bit stronger from consuming the blood.

Seras: But you don't have to force feed me!

*Integra comes back with Alucard*

WOF: So is he's better now?

Integra: After explaining it to him three time in a row I believe he gets it now.

Alucard: *muttering* It's just a game. It's just a game. It's just a game.

WOF: *pats Alucard on the head* Maybe a new question will get your mind off it. Our next question is from Lincelot and he says:

**Jolly good show you made.**

**So anyway, my questions/request: ****I'd like to see Seras do a striptease for Alucard, Anderson and Walter (I'm a****  
****fanboy for all three of them, so I'd like to give them this.), enjoy the three****  
****of you. **

**(And Seras is invited to do the same for me once the show is over.)**

**Also, Let Alucard decide for something to have the Witch of Fate do.****  
****That's it. *winks at Seras*****P.S. I for one read the author's note.**

WOF: At least someone is reading it.

Seras: Why do I have to do it!? He's creepy!

WOF: Last time it was Integra, now it's your turn. Don't let Integra hog all the stripping glory. Let everyone else have a chance.

Integra: Thank God it's not me.

WOF: Don't you worry. You'll get your chance again.

Integra: Noooooooooooo!

Alucard: *daydreaming of a certain someone stripping*

WOF: I think someone got out of their funk. Come on guys! Chop, chop! We're burning daylight! Get everyone on stage who's supposed to be here and grab Seras before she runs out the back door.

Seras: *gets caught trying to escape* Damn it!

Anderson: *sitting on one of the chairs brought out for occasion* What are we doing?

WOF: Seras is going to do a strip tease for you guy's.

Anderson: *gets up to leave* Nope. It's against my mortals. Plus why would I watch some amateur when I can watch it professionally done on the internet.

*Everyone goes silent and wide eyed*

Anderson: Oh man, did not mean to say that out loud. I'm going to just go do…take care of…umm…I'm just going to go h-WAIT in the back. *runs off back stage*

WOF: Apparently Alexander is a naughty priest. I guess you learn something new every day. The more you know! But seriously let's keep this thing moving. I have a facial in a half an hour in the witch dimension and I do not want to be late. So then my sweet little Seras, get ta stripping.

Seras: But I don't wanna.

Alucard/Walter: Do it all ready!

Seras: But…

WOF: Friggen do it! *plays the song Shake That*

Seras: *starts stripping to the music*

Alucard/Walter: WHOOOOOOOO!

Pip: *watching from the back and has a life threatening amount of blood dripping from his nose* You go girl!

*song ends and Seras is down to nothing but her panties and is covering her upper half with her arms*

Seras: *near tears* That was so embarrassing!

Integra: Tell me about it.

Walter: *bright red* You're never too old for this.

Alucard: *throws money at her* Do it again.

Seras: No! I will never do such an awful thing like that ever again!

Alucard: But?

Seras: EVER!

Alucard: *gets up* Well fine! Be that way! I have other people who can do it for me. Like, umm, Integra!

Integra: God no! *walks away*

Alucard: Well then…umm? *looks around* Hey wait, what was the second part of the question asking?

Seras: Let Alucard decide for something to have the Witch of Fate do.

Alucard: *evil grin appears on his face that stretches from ear to ear*

WOF: Oh…crud muffins.

~Few minutes later~

WOF: *lap dancing for Alucard*

Integra/Seras: How do **YOU** like it!

WOF: I'll get you for this Lincelot! You hear me! A plague upon your house and your summer home and your refrigerator!

~After Ange Beatrice lost it and started strangling Alucard and had to be restrained~

WOF: *talks menacingly* If any of you ask that question in anyway, I will come through your computer, leech off all your skin and wear it as a coat. Do we all understand? Good, I don't think you want to bring this up again for your own sake.

Everyone: O_O

WOF: *gets all happy and nice again* That's all we have time for today. Next episode we're going to answer DevilDriver III's questions since we were unable to answer them in this week's episode. But we do hope you guys can keep reviewing because we all enjoy doing this.

Alucard: *from backstage* No we don't.

WOF: No one asked you! Thanks again everyone and look forward to next episode! Until then, stay crazy my friends!

~Hours after the show has ended~

XenaTheAlienChick: *still there* Hello? Is anyone there? Help!

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for waiting so long for this chapter to come out. It was going to originally come out last Wednesday cause I wanted this to come out every Wednesday but...I got a little busy. Especially with the attack in Boston since that's my hometown. Love for my fellow Bostonian. But other then that I've just have been really busy with friends and work. So sorry I couldn't have gotten this out sooner and please send your love to Boston. Thanks :) **


	5. Episode 5

Alucard: Hey Pip, watch this. Seras! Catch! *throws a ball at her*

Seras: *gets hit in the face* …

Alucard: …

Seras: …

Alucard: …

Seras: …

Pip: Umm, is she…?

Alucard: Wait for it.

Seras: …

Alucard: …

Seras: … OW!

Alucard: There it is.

Mimi: This is The Hellsing Random Talk Show!

*theme music kicks up and the audience applauds*

WOF: Welcome to the fifth episode of The Hellsing Random Talk Show! I'm your host Ange Beatrice, the Witch of Fate. I would like to give a big thanks for all the followers and reviewers who keep this show alive. Today is going to be a special episode today because we have lots the Hellsing cast is going to do and also we are already half way through season one of the series.

Alucard/Integra/Walter/Pip: Hurry! Half way through our torture!

Seras: *has a bandage on her forehead* Yeah! Ow…

WOF: Oh come on, it's not that bad you guys. Thanks so much everyone! Now for the moment we've all been waiting for, let's get down to the questions. So our first question comes from flameslavier:** Pip, est-ce que, tu aimes Seras ou est-ce que tu veut juste coucher avec elle** **et une fois terminer chercher pour une autre fille? (**Viewer translation: Pip, do you love Seras or do you just want to sleep with her and once complete look for another girl?**)** **And for your sake I hope she does not speak French.**

**WOF can you summon the people who killed Seras parents, I want to see her reaction. **

**Alucard what do you think of Mina Tepes form Dance in the vampire bund?**

**Integra if you had a choice of killing every vampire in existence but the cost would be to destroy all of Europe would you do it?**

**To all Iscariots members do you know your 10 commandants?**

**And by the way I am a guy**

WOF: Oh…well this is awkward. Sorry that I called you a girl. If it makes you feel any better, this happens to Integra at least twice a day.

Integra: You people are just sad. Seriously! How do you get that confused?

Seras: *opens her mouth to answer*

Integra: Don't answer that.

Seras: *closes her mouth*

Pip: Wow. *blushes* That's an interesting question. Alucard, does she speak French?

Alucard: I don't know, let me check. Hey Seras, did you get any of that?

Seras: *holding her head* My brain hurts.

Alucard: You're good.

Pip: Well… Je sais que j'ai eu une histoire de duper autour avec des femmes mais… je crois vraiment que Seras est l'une personne que j'aime. Je devine qu'il en a pris recherchant avant que j'aie trouvé le parfait. En bref, je pense qu'elle est celle et seule pour moi qui finira ma recherche de l'amour. Mais d'abord j'ai besoin juste du courage de lui demander une date. **(**Viewer translation: I know that I had a history of sleeping around with women but… I really believe that Seras is the one person whom I truly love. I guess it took some searching before I found the perfect one. In short, I think that she is the one and only for me which will end my search for love. But first I need the courage to ask her out on a date.**)**

WOF: Aww.

Integra: Corny, but sweet.

Seras: Master? What'd he say?

Alucard: He said he likes you.

Seras: Aww! I like you to captain!

Pip: R-really!?

Seras: Yeah! Best friends forever!

Pip: *heart shatters realizing what she just said*

Mimi: Rejected!

WOF: Moving onto part two, open a portal to see the killers of Seras parents.

Seras: NO! DON'T DO THAT!

WOF: But-

Seras: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *GASP* AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *GASP* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! *GASP* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! *GASP* AAAHHHHHHHHHH!

~Lots of screaming later~

Seras: AAAAAHHHH! *GASP* AAAAAHHHH! *GASP* AAAAHHHHH! *GASP* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WOF: OK, OK, I WON'T DO IT ALRIGHT! JUST STOP SCREAMING!

Seras: *stops* Yea.

WOF: *sighs* Next question I guess since **someone **is being uncooperative. Next is about Mina Tepes and Alucards opinion about her.

Alucard: I have a daughter!?

WOF: *pulls up a picture for everyone to see*

Alucard: …Oh, that daughter.

Integra: You had a kid!?

Alucard: Master I've had many children. I just didn't like most of them.

WOF: Well her name is Mina and she has your nickname as her last name so… is it yours and Mina Harkers?

Alucard: No, we never really got it on. She is the daughter of my one of my ex girlfriends. Her name was Lucrezia.

WOF/ Integra: LUCREZIA BORGIA!

Integra: The same Lucrezia who was the daughter of Pope Alexander VI!?

Alucard: The very same.

WOF: Nice!

Alucard: Yeah well, she's running the kingdom of the vampires somewhere in Asia. Problem is she's still a child and thought it would be fun to make a TV show about the world of the vampire. People still acknowledged us all as fiction and people don't think the show is real, which is a good thing I believe. So yes, that's my baby girl you all see in the show.

WOF: So everything on the show never really happened? It's all fake?

Alucard: She and her servants are all really vampires but the story was all fabricated to draw in viewers.

WOF: Cool. Next question is if Integra had a choice of killing every vampire in existence but the cost would be to destroy all of Europe would she do it? Would you?

Integra: No.

WOF: Why?

Integra: Because if every vampire was destroyed then Hellsing would be useless. And there are some perks for working there. *chuckles and takes out a cigar and lights it*

WOF: Oh I see. Last but not least does Iscariot now all Ten Commandments?

Enrico: Of course we do! What Catholic doesn't!?

Yumie: Sir, I forgot number seven.

Enrico: What!

Anderson: I know…most of it.

Enrico: Anderson!? B-but…?

Heinkel: You think that's bad? I got up to six and couldn't remember the rest.

Enrico: *facepalm* Oh dear Holy Lord!

WOF: Well they know…some of it…maybe. Thanks you flameslavier for your questions! Again, sorry I called you a girl. Moving onto our next reviewer, Devil Driver III:

** the better Anti-Hero, Alucard or Vegeta?****  
****2. What are Alucards thoughts on AxS (thoughts on fanfiction are pretty mixed)****  
****3. If Mr Popo decided to fuse with Alucard, what would turn up?****  
****(By the way, Alucard and Mr Popo are equals, know why? Because he isn't in the pecking order)****  
****4. Alucard meets Abel Nightroad from Trinity blood.****  
****5. Alucard meets some Mary sues who adore him.****  
****6. Seras meets some Gary stues who adore her.****  
****7. Integra, why do your glasses shine randomly from time to time?****  
****8. Alucard, where did you get your hat?****  
****9. Pip, meet ghost Nappa.****  
****10. Alucard, meet Frieza**

WOF: Guys I want to be clear when I say this. Due the amount of questions and requests you have been giving us we have no choice but to limit the requests and questions to three per person. You can now only ask three questions. The producers are on suicide watch because of this. So can we all do this so no one gets hurt? Please and thank you. Now then, let's get started. Who is the better Anti-Hero, Alucard or Vegeta?

Seras: Vegeta.

Intgera: Vegeta.

Pip: Vegeta!

Walter: Vegeta.

Alucard: What why!?

Integra: Because Vegeta is awesome. Duh.

Alucard: You guys are traitors!

WOF: What are Alucards thoughts on AxS?

Alucard: Anyone who writes those are sick, sick little moo cows! It's like writing about a father dating his daughter. She's my pupil! The only relationship we have is teacher to student!

Seras: I think of it as a father to daughter relationship.

Alucard: *scowls at her*

Seras: Daddy!

Alucard: No! No Seras, we've talked about this. I'm not your dad.

Seras: *puts on her puppy dog eyes*

Alucard: Seras, you know that doesn't work on me. I practically invented the puppy dog eyes. Watch. Integra may I have a pint of your blood when this is over?

Integra: What? No.

Alucard: *activates puppy dog eyes*

Integra: …Maybe.

Alucard: Told you.

WOF: Next question is if Mr. Popo decided to fuse with Alucard, what would it look like?

Alucard: A shorter version of me only black and instead of my fedora we would wear a turban. And we would be called Alpopo.

WOF: That's scary to imagine.

Alucard: *sneaks up behind Walter* Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~.

Walter: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

WOF: Alucard meets Abel Nightroad from Trinity Blood! *summons a portal and pulls Abel out*

Abel: …Where am I.

WOF: That doesn't matter now! What matter is there's a vampire right there.

Alucard/Abel: *staring at each other*

*****everyone leans closer in anticipation*

Alucard/Abel: …*fist bump each other*

Integra: WHAT!?

Alucard: We may be moral enemies in another dimension but here I have a lot of respect for him. It's very rare for me to come across a crusnik.

Abel: And it's a once in a lifetime chance to meet the king of all vampires.

Alucard: Take care Vatican scum!

Abel: You to you bloody monster! *leaves through the portal the Witch of Fate summoned earlier*

WOF: Ok… Alucard meet some Mary sues!

Random Fan Girl: *pops out from nowhere* Mr. Alucard sir. May I give you something?

Alucard: And what would that be you scrumptious looking human full of blood?

Random Fan Girl: I want to give you my heart. *smiles sweetly*

Alucard: Aw. How thoughtful. *rips open her chest and removes her heart*

Random Fan Girl: Not…what I meant…*falls over in a pool of her own blood (she's most likely died)*

Alucard: *sucking on heart* Mmm~. Type A positive, my favorite.

WOF: Seras meets some Gary stues!

Random Fan Boy: *jumps on Seras* I LOVE YOU!

Seras: *runs around with the fan boy still attached* UNWANTED TOUCHING! AAAAHHHH!

WOF: *snaps her fingers and the two fans disappear* Ha ha! You're fans are weird. Anyway, next question is why Integra's glasses shine randomly from time to time?

Integra: It does? *glasses shimmer*

WOF: There! Right there! It's doing it right now!

Integra: Huh? *her glasses continue to shimmer* The lighting must suck then. *still shimmering*

Alucard: Seras! Don't stare directly at the lens, you'll go blind!

Seras: *turns towards her master cross-eyed and has a goofy grin plastered to her face* Too late!

Alucard: *groans and facepalms*

WOF: I'm going to combine the last to questions cause they're basically the same thing. Pip meet ghost Nappa and Alucard meet Frieza. *snaps fingers and both characters appear from the portal*

Ghost Nappa: Hi, I'm Nappa and this is Frieza, the scary space lizard.

Frieza: Who are you calling a lizard!

Alucard: *gasp* Integra look! *points to Ghost Nappa* It's a space me. Hi space me!

Ghost Nappa: Hi vampire me!

WOF: No, Alucard is supposed to meet Frieza and Pip mets Nappa not the other way around!

Alucard/Ghost Nappa: Aw!

Frieza: So your evil yes?

Alucard: Correct.

Frieza: …I think we can get along quite swimmingly.

Alucard: *evil grin*

Ghost Nappa: So you're French.

Pip: Yes.

Ghost Nappa: …So is it true that you don't believe in laundry?

Pip: *facepalm* Oh my god!

Alucard: Hey that's what I said earlier!

Ghost Nappa: Twins!

*both hi five each other*

Ghost Nappa: They only difference between us is my beautiful locks of none flowing hair.

WOF: Alright, we're done here! *sends everyone back* So next question comes from, and don't you dare hiss Alucard, Mr. Schrödinger: **Guton tag Alucard and others! My friend Kirst3 from deviant art wants to ask some things...**

**kirst3- ok hi, I'm a big fan girl off schiro, Hans, Walter, Pip but most of all ALUCARD! *fan girl squeal* As Grell from Black Butler said once...take me now!**

**I love Alucard and Baskerville such a cute doggy...**

**For Alucard:**

**1. Can you dress up like Sebastian from black butler?**

**2. Are zombies and ghouls the same?**

**3. Will you ever love a woman again since you missed your chance with Integra, if so... I'm free.**

**For Integra:**

**1. Just let Alucard turn you... you would be a really awesome as a vampire *sigh***

**2. Integra kiss dark Walter!**

**For Seras:**

**1. DO A BARREL ROLL!**

**2. JUST GO CRAZY AHHHH! Like when you did in OVA 2**

**For Pip:**

**1. Cut off your ponytail... and give it to me**

**2. Can you give me a 1L blood bag of your blood so I can clone you?**

**Me: well that's all for now...**

Alucard: H-

WOF: Don't you dare!

Alucard: …

WOF: …

Alucard: …HISSSSSSSSSS!

WOF: *hits him on the head really hard* I warned you but you didn't listen.

Alucard: So worth it.

WOF: Vampire butler says what. *snaps fingers*

Alucard: What? *looks down and realizes he's wearing Sebastian's butler uniform* Oh God damn it!

Walter: Nice suit.

Alucard: Shut up!

WOF: Are zombies and ghouls the same?

Everybody: NO!

Alucard: You stupid idiot, get your facts right!

WOF: Will you ever love a woman again since you missed your chance with Integra?

Alucard: Missed? I still have a good chance!

Integra: *starts laughing*

Alucard: Well…there's a chance. I've got Seras if this doesn't work out.

Seras: What?

WOF: Integra let Alucard turn you.

Alucard: *slowly turns his head towards her smiling*

Integra: No.

Alucard: Please?

Integra: No.

Alucard: Please?

Integra: No.

Alucard: Please?

Integra: No.

Alucard: Please?

Integra: Is my answer chancing?

Alucard: Well no…

Integra: Then stop asking.

WOF: Integra kiss dark Walter!

Alucard: She refuses!

Integra: Wha-! Since when do you decide for me!?

Alucard: B-b- master! *puts on his puppy eyes*

Integra: Your tricks won't work on my anymore, I'm immune. I make the decisions here! Not you! So if I want to kiss him, I will kiss him! *grabs Dark Walters face and smashes her lips into his*

*everyone stares wide eyed and open mouthed at them*

Dark Walter: *pulls away* Hey this is kind of nice. *continues making out with her*

Walter: *turning absolutely green*

Alucard: *sticks out his tongue* Gross!

Walter: *runs off to go throw up*

Integra: *pulls away* See, I don't need your consent to do things.

Alucard: If I were still alive I would have vomited by now.

WOF: Even though that was super disgusting…I friggen love it!

Integra: You're weird.

WOF: Seras! Do a barrel role!

Seras: *rolling around on stage* I regret nothing! Wheeeeeee~!

Alucard: Hey that looks kind of fun. *joins his fledgling on the floor* Wheeeeeee~! Guys you got to try this!

*Pip and Walter join in on the fun*

Integra: Am I the only sane person on this show!?

WOF: *playing patty cake with Major* Yes.

Integra: Grrrrr~!

WOF: Seras will you stop rolling on the floor for a minute and go into a rage like in OVA 2?

Seras: *stops* I can only do it if I'm provoked. Plus I would be endangering the lives of everyone who isn't immortal on the show so…can't and don't want to.

WOF: Pip, will you cut your hair and give the insane- I MEAN, nice girl a liter of your blood so she may clone you?

Pip: No, no I don't wanna!

WOF: Come on, don't be such a baby.

Pip: Why do you want to clone me!? And why do you want my hair more importantly!?

WOF: Not even a little piece of hair to give her?

Pip: I'm giving no one anything from me! Specifically my hair, which makes a convenient scarf in the winter time…

Seras: Ew!

Pip: What? It's cozy when it's cold out.

Alucard: Why am I compelled to ask if you dry clean it? But asking that wouldn't make sense since the French don't believe in doing laundry.

Pip: Ha ha very funny.

WOF: I'm surprised we haven't been flagged yet. This show contains mild nudity, crude humor, and some racist comments.

Mimi: Yet it's freakening hilarious.

WOF: True that! Our next question is from XenaTheAlienChick: **Awesome! And cool I got to wear Alucard's hat! I have more things or questions or whatever.**

**Enrico: Play the game amnesia.**

**Anderson: Read the story of Jeff the killer also after that act like your Hellsing abridged counterpart!**

**Walter: Do you enjoy being a butler or was there ever a different job you wanted?**

**Alucard: Ever heard of the graphic novel 30 days of night?**

Anderson: How do you know if I don't already act like my counterpart?

Alucard: *giggling* Anderson likes little boys!

Anderson: Do not you bloody heathen! *throws a bayonet at him and hits the vampire smack center in the forehead*

Alucard: *blood dripping from his head* There's no need to be a sour puss about everything you know. Hey by the way did we ever figure out if XenaTheAlienChick was making those time rips?

WOF: Oh yeah! Turns out it was just Mimi screwing around with her powers. *sticks her head backstage to find Mimi trying to push XenaTheAlienChick into a time rip* Mimi! Quiet f***ing around!

Mimi: It won't go in!

XenaTheAlienChick: *holding onto the sides* But I have questions!

Mimi: Get in there! *forces her through and closes it*

WOF: Looks like everything is fixed now. Back on subject, we'll do the questions first then the requests. So then, Walter, do you enjoy being a butler or was there ever a different job you wanted?

Walter: I love my job here. That's why I haven't left it in fifty years. But there was something I always wanted to be before I became a Hellsing butler.

Integra: Oh, what would that be?

Walter: Well…

WOF/Alucard/Seras: Tell! Tell! Tell!

Walter: I've always wanted to be…

*everyone leans in closer in anticipation*

Walter: I wanted to be… A PROFESSIONAL DANCER! *rips off his suit and is wearing a sparkly blue leotard and starts dancing around the room*

WOF/Mimi/Alucard: *roaring with laughter*

Integra: *facepalm*

Seras: Live the dream Walter! *whispers* Live the dream.

WOF: *snaps her fingers and Walter appears back in his butler suit*

Walter: *gets all sad that he's back in his uniform*

WOF: We can dance later; right now we have to answer the viewers' questions. Alucard, have you ever heard of the graphic novel 30 days of night?

Alucard: I have. I read it. It sucked.

WOF: That good huh?

Alucard: I mean it wasn't all bad. When I read the description it sounded good. But being a true undead, I never really loved the story as much as you humans did.

WOF: Well if you don't like 30 days of night, what do you think of Twilight?

Alucard: F***ING S***!

WOF: Thought you'd say that.

Seras: *grumbles* I still want to sparkle.

Alucard: What was that?

Seras: Nothing.

Alucard: No…I clearly heard you say…you want to sparkle.

Seras: Must have been my boobs. Sometimes they have a mind of their own and like to blurt out random stuff.

Alucard: *stares at her very seriously* …

Seras: …

Alucard: … I know what you mean. I swear just yesterday I thought heard them call me schizophrenic.

Seras: Ha ha ha yeah…

WOF: Alucards mental problems aside we really should keep going. While you two were talking about…her boobs…I set up Anderson and Maxwell on computers and doing their requests. Apparently Enrico is getting through this just fine.

Enrico: Why is the game called Amnesia again? I forgot, what's the objective of the game? Why does the room keep spinning!?

WOF: As good as an Archbishop playing his first video game gets.

Alucard: Then what about Anderson?

WOF: Well…

Anderson: No! Not after last time! Slenderman scared the bagebers out of me!

Mimi: Oh come on! It's not a video game this time, it's just a story.

Anderson: Yeah, a scary story!

Mimi: You constantly fight the undead and you even charged into battle wounded with only your bayonets! How are you afraid for reading a story!?

Anderson: …It's different…

WOF: Anderson! How many times do I have to tell you to quit being a pussy and do what you're damn told!?

Anderson: *mumbles* Seven…

WOF: That's right. Now quiet being a pussy!

Alucard: *whispers to Seras* Eight. *both stifle their giggles*

Anderson: I'm not gonna do it!

Alucard: Anderson is chicken!

Anderson: …What did you just call me?

Alucard: I called you a chicken.

Anderson: Take that back right now!

Alucard: Hey look everyone! Anderson is afraid of a wittle scawy stowy. Chicken! Chicken! *starts imitating a chicken*

Anderson: Am not!

Alucard: Are too!

Anderson: Am not!

Alucard: Then prove it. Or are you still chicken? *starts back up with his clucking*

Anderson: Fine! I'll prove you all wrong! I'm going to read Jeff the Killer! *goes onto a computer*

WOF: *fist bumps with Alucard* Thanks.

Alucard: No problem.

Anderson: *searching on the web* Let's see, let's see. Jeff the Killer… *the story pops up along with the creepy image of Jeff* AAAAAHHHHHH! *scrambles away from the screen and runs away*

WOF: Well at least he didn't pass out this time.

Alucard: *in hysterics*

WOF: Ok, someone is going to have to find him and bring him back. …Noseys! *puts a finger on her nose*

*everyone puts a finger on their nose except for Mimi who was to slow in the head to realize what was going on*

Mimi: Oh God damn it! *goes off to find him*

WOF: I believe we should move onto the next question which happens to be from Karly101-UnitedBarsaF8ful and she says:

**- Heinkel, dress like a real friggin' nun will ya!? No priest garbs or anything c:**

**- Make Integra and Seras read some IxS fanfics, and let's hear their opinions**

**- Anderson do a striptease for all the ladies... And no escaping!**

**- Rip, go duck hunting with just a slingshot and some pebbles, and give them to the spirit of Jackal**

**- Mayor and Integra, have a break-dance competition**

WOF: First one seems simple enough. *snaps her fingers and Heinkel appears in a sexy nun outfit*

Heinkel: What the! *trying to cover herself*

Yumie: Aw~. You look so cute.

Heinkel: I am not cool with this! *runs backstage from embarrassment*

Yumie: *holding a camera* Come back! I need a picture for…*thinks up an excuse* the scrapbook. *runs after her*

WOF: Make Integra and Seras read some IxS fanfics hear their opinions about it.

~Time jump to after they read it~

Seras: *assuming the fetal position on the floor in a puddle of her own vomit*

Integra: *pissed* I am not a happy little vegemite right now!

Seras: *sing to herself to calm down* Sur le pont d'Avignon. Everyone CRI-ed, they all CRI-ed…

~Later after they were able to calm everyone down~

WOF: And that's what happens when you make lesbian stories about people who aren't lesbians. Moving on! Anderson has to do a striptease for all the ladies.

Seras/Integra: Seriously?

Alucard: *shutters*

WOF: *looks around* Where is he anyway? MIMI! DID YOU FIND HIM!?

Mimi: I'm standing right next to you, you don't have to yell!

WOF: Sorry. But did you find him?

Mimi: No. I can't believe a man that size managed to elude me.

Alucard: Guys… *looking up*

WOF: Whatcha looking at Al ma pal?

Alucard: *points upwards towards the ceiling*

*everyone looks up to see Anderson holding on for dear life to a support beam*

Mimi: Aw come on!

WOF: Anderson, get off the roof!

Anderson: No!

WOF: You get down here right now!

Anderson: No! You're just going to make me see that creepy picture again!

WOF: You're damn right I will! Now get down!

Alucard: How did he get there?

Mimi: I'll go get the ladder. *goes off*

WOF: In the mean time I'll send out Rip to do her duck hunting with just a slingshot. *walks off*

Alucard: Seras, check it out. *he somehow found a very long pole and is now poking this priest with it* A catholic piñata.

Anderson: Quit it! I'll get you for this one way or another you heathen.

Alucard: Good luck with that. *now whacking him seeing if he would fall*

WOF: *comes back* I've sent her out and she'll back in a little- *stops so stare at the scene before her* I'm not even going to bother to ask.

Seras: *laughing and taking pictures of the two*

WOF: I'm just gonna start the break dancing companion now. *snaps her figures and everything and everyone appears*

Integra: But I don't know how to break dance!

Major: Nitha do I. Vhat are ve supposed to do?

WOF: Just try your best. *gives them thumbs up*

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen. Well to a once in a life time event, the first ever, HELLSING BREAK DANCING COMPETITION!

*crowd explodes in applause*

Announcer: The rules are simple. Each person shall simultaneously do their best break dancing and the winner will be decided by the audience. Now, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!

*crowd cheers once more*

Referee: And begin!

*Integra starts windmilling while the Major baby spins*

Alucard: Cool!

Referee: That's the end! Decide who wins!

WOF: *snaps fingers and everything goes back to normal* Well that was interesting and fun! Our next question comes from super crazy pers and the question is: **I want Alucard strung up like a big piñata and wacked with sticks by all the characters of Hellsing.**

Anderson: *Mimi finally got him down* Hey Alucard. Remember when I said that I would get you for whacking me with a stick earlier.

Alucard: *nervous* Yeah.

Anderson: Well now's the time.

WOF: *snaps her fingers and Alucard is tightly roped and hanging above everyone*

Anderson: Hey look everyone, it's a vampire piñata!

*every character takes out a stick and starts furiously whacking him*

Alucard: OW! OW! HEY! STOP! OW! THAT HURTS! OW! OH GOD! NOT THE FACE! You to Police girl!?

Seras: This is for taking away the ability to see myself in the mirror! Do you know how hard it is to get ready in the morning because of this!? *continues to hit him*

Alucard: I told you already! OW! It's- OW!- not my fault! I TOLD YOU NOT TO HIT ME THERE!

Integra: *furiously beating him*

WOF: *laughing*

Rip: *comes back from the hunt* Hey guys, vhats going oooo- *stares at the scene before her* Umm…

WOF: One of the requests was for Alucard to be strung up like a piñata and for every character to hit him. Turns out it's a good tension reliever when you hit the person you have a grudge on. (Don't actual try that please)

Rip: Oh. Can I…

WOF: You already have.

Rip: …?

WOF: I mean sure.

Rip: *starts throwing the duck carcasses at Alucard* That's for eating me!

~Later after everyone was tired of beating up Alucard~

Alucard: Gonna feel that tomorrow. I'll get you for this super crazy pers! When I find you, you're gonna feel the same pain I'm feeling!

WOF: Or next question comes from The z7 who asks:

**Alucard- why instead of killing shrodïnger did you kill the million plus familiars?  
Saras- Ever consider a therapist for the dreams of the spirit of your gun?  
Integra- do you intend to die a virgin so Alucard can bite you and make you a vampire or are you shortsighted in seeing that if you die with no heir would unleash Alucard onto the world with no control?  
Walter- Was there ever a moment you regretted becoming a traitor?**

WOF: …Answer!

Alucard: That is because since he was everywhere and nowhere and the fact that he merged his body with mine which caused all my familiars to be tainted with his blood. I had to kill each and every one of them because they each possessed at little bit of Schrödinger's powers that made me disappear. Plus when you're trapped in the dark with nothing but a bunch of people and two guns and nothing to do for 30 years, wouldn't you do the same? Also it was a mini vacation for me.

Integra: That took you way to long.

Alucard: A man needs his alone time master. I can't be surrounded by women all the time and expect me to not do anything.

Integra: …Wait what?

WOF: *cuts in* Seras have you considered therapy for you weird dreams?

Seras: No. And I only had it that one time. Plus it's hard to find a good physicist who would work the late hours when I'm up.

Integra: I'm still a virgin because I have more control of Alucard and plus I'm not just going to give away my body to just anyone. So I'm waiting for the right man-

Alucard: *Smiles and points to himself*

Integra: Let me rephrase that, human man, to sweep me off me feet.

Alucard: *gets all sad*

Integra: If I die a virgin so be it. The time of family run businesses are over.

Seras: Walter, your turn.

Dark Walter: I began to regret it when I realized the Docs surgery was FAULTY! Also I was abandoning the ones I love and trust so I guess that was another factor.

Mimi: Awww~!

WOF: Our final question comes from Vampire from Hell who requests: **I love the show! It's super funny!  
- Have Alucard and Seras write their own AxS fanfiction, and then hear what they have to say about them.  
- Alucard, who do you prefer, your Master, Integra, or your fledging, Seras?  
- (Yes, I am pushing you) Let Alucard do whatever he wants for the third request.**

Alucard/Seras: *at the computer*

Seras: Once upon a time- *gets cut off*

Alucard: Why are you starting it out like that?

Seras: Isn't that how you start most stories master?

Alucard: Seras, I'd hate to ruin your child-like innocence but no, that's not the case.

Seras: *frowns*

Alucard: *types* Seras is Alucard's slave. No more questions. The end!

Seras: Master, that's not a very good story.

Alucard: Yes it is. It's the greatest fanfiction in the history of fan girls!

Seras: No it's not.

Alucard: Yes it is.

Seras: No it's not!

Alucard: Yes it is!

*both start fighting each other in their chairs until one of them pushes the other into the computer and causes it to fall off the table and break*

Alucard/Seras: *both stare at the broken laptop in disbelief*

Seras: INTEGRA! ALUCARD BROKE THE COMPUTER!

Alucard: NO I DIDN'T!

Integra: *rubbing her temples* It's like working with children.

WOF: I told you this show was stressed induced. Moving on to the next question which was who Alucard preferred his master or his fledgling.

Alucard: Again, loaded question.

WOF: Lastly, let Alucard do whatever he wants for the third request! Ha ha, this is gonna be good.

Alucard: *thinking* Hm-mm… I got it!

~Moments later~

Alucard: STREAKING! *running around the studio with nothing on but his fedora and a smile*

Seras: *eyes closed and completely embarrassed*

Integra: *facepalm*

WOF: That's it for today's episode! Join us next time to see what other tomfoolery will occur with the Hellsing gang. Thanks again for all the submissions and we thank you for loving and supporting the show. Until next time, stay insane my friends!

* * *

**A/N: I'd just like to start out by saying that I'm sorry this chapter took so long because I was very busy with a lot of other things. I would have posted it sooner but there was just a lot going on in my life that prevented me from posting sooner. So I'm really sorry for all of you who have been waiting patiently for the chapter. I'd also liked to say that this is the stories half way point and I can't wait to see what's in store for the later chapters and I hope you guys continue to post your reviews so that there can be a season 2 for the series. One more thing I'd also like to thank Vampire from Hell for the concern, it really means a lot to me when there is people out there who really like the story and want it to continue so thank you for that. And...that's about it. Again, thanks so much for all the love and support and I'll try to update more regularly. **

**- Ange Beatrice, The Witch of Fate **


	6. Episode 6

**Do not own Hellsing :P**

* * *

*a black dog walks up to Integra*

Integra: Oh! A puppy! *picks it up and starts cuddling it*

Puppy: Woof! *licks her face*

Intgera: Aw what a cute puppy.

*there's a puff of smoke making the dog disappear and is replaced by Alucard who is holding onto his master*

Alucard: *licks her face*

Integra: *trying to get out of his death grip* Ew! Gross!

Seras: This is The Hellsing Random Talk Show!

*theme music kicks up and crowd cheers wildly*

WOF: Welcome everyone to episode six of T.H.R.T.S. I'm saying it like that because I'm too lazy to say the full name today. I am your host Ange Beatrice, the Witch of Fate. Anyhow we have some lovely questions from our fans today so I'm just going to get to it. Our first question comes from AngelWings0409 who asks: **Oh my god this is pure genius! Anyway I have a few things I'd like to see.**

**-Alucard in a bikini ( no glasses or ****hat)**

**-The entire Hellsing group watch Twilight**

**-Anderson and Seras play resident evil**

**-Pip gropes Seras and runs to hide behind Alucard. :P**

Alucard: Oh come on! Haven't I done enough for you guys!? Why must I suffer!?

*WOF snaps her fingers and Alucard is dressed in a bright red bikini*

Seras/Pip/Walter/Integra: *stifling their giggles*

Seras: *Couldn't hold it anymore so she begins to laugh* Ha ha!

Alucard: *gives her a death glare* Oh you think this is fun? Come over here and I'll show you something to laugh about! *lunges at her*

Seras: AHH! I don't want to die…again!

*ends up in the red bikini her master was wearing after their fighting*

Alucard: Now you know what it feels like to suffer! MWAHAHAHA!

Pip: *ogling her*

WOF: Everyone watches Twilight!

Everyone: *groans*

**~Time skip brought to you by the retarded witch Mimi~****  
**  
Mimi: Alright! Who's the dick fart who put that in!?

Guy from the Editing Room: That would be me ma'am.

Mimi: Damn it Jake Dickfart!

**~A better quality time skip NOT brought to you by the now fired Jake Dickfart~**

WOF: So how was the movie you guys?

Integra: *asleep*

Pip/Walter: *left at the beginning of the movie and are now playing ping-pong*

Seras: *all dreamy eyed* Best. Movie. Ever.

Alucard: *very much grumpy* No it's not. It's a stupid movie that should die in a fire.

Seras: Master look. Sir Integra is sleeping.

Alucard: Huh? Is that so? *starts poking her cheek*

Seras: Master? Are you sure that's a good idea?

Alucard: *still poking her face* It's cool. It's not like she's gonna know. *gets an idea and slowly reaches out to grab her boobs*

Integra: *wakes up* Don't even think about it!

Alucard: *slowly pulls away while grumbling to himself*

WOF: Anderson and Seras must play Resident Evil!

**~One Hour Later~**

Alucard: I can't believe this! Anderson has sat there for a whole hour playing a horror game without flinching! How is that possible!?

Seras: *pauses the game*

Anderson: Maxwell put me on the meds.

Alucard: …ok…

Anderson: *eye starts twitching*

WOF: I think you should stop playing before you have a seizure or something.

Anderson: *blinking one eye at a time*

WOF: Maxwell. What exactly did you give him?

Enrico: Just some Flexeril…ok a lot of Flexeril.

WOF: Well that explains a few things. Anyway Pip has to grope Seras then run behind Alucard.

Pip: Why me! *says this while groping Seras*

Seras: *wearing a poker face*

Pip: *runs and hides under Alucard's trench coat*

Alucard: *walks away calmly revealing the French man in a tight ball trying to hide with Seras now looking over him*

Pip: *looks up* Crap...

Seras: *punches him in the head*

WOF: I believe this is a perfect time to intervene before someone else is taken to the hospital. Moving on, our next question is from flameslavier who asks:  
**If you were trapped on a deserted island for the rest of eternity with Edward Cullen and Justin Beiber, with the ability to kill only one person on that island, who you kill?  
I want you to sing the song Hellfire, to Integra, I know you want to.  
Finally Major how long did it take you to rehears that speech of your in OVA 4?**

Alucard: Easy! I would kill that annoying sack of sh*t Edward and the little girl can be source of nutrients cause she would be the only one living.

WOF: *laughing wildly*

Alucard: What!? What did I say that was wrong!?

WOF: *calms down* Nothing, never mind. Now sing the song!

Integra: Why is it that you idiots always want us to sing!?

WOF: HEY!

Integra: *looks at her*

WOF: Idiot is not a nice word.

Integra: *scowls* I have a right to curse! How come he gets to swear and I don't then!? *points to Alucard*

WOF: He's like 600 years old; he has more right then you. To him you're like the equivalence of a new born.

Integra: Grr!

WOF: Ok sing.

Alucard: *sings* Hellfire, Dark fire, Now gypsy, it's your turn. Choose me or, Your pyre, Be mine or you will burn! *stops* How's that?

Integra: *playing resident evil* Huh?

Alucard: Oh come on! I just sang to you and you didn't even pay attention!

Seras: *comes into the room after changing back into her regular cloths* Wait you sang? Do it again I wasn't here!

Alucard: *groans in frustration*

WOF: Last part is how long did it take for Major to rehearse that speech of your in OVA 4?

Major: I kind of vas making it up as I vent along.

Mimi: Our next question is: **This is genius! I love it! Keep making this or cthlulu well eat you souls! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH  
So I would like you to make Alucard and Anderson watch "don't hug me I'm scared." Also make Anderson DO A DANG STRIP TEASE ALREADY! (must take off EVERYTHING. no undies allowed!) And finally, a question for everyone. Ask what do you think of doctor who.  
**  
WOF: So what do you guys think of Doctor Who?

Alucard: I enjoy it.

Seras: I like Doctor Who!

Integra: *wearing a Doctor Who costume* I enjoy the show throughly.

WOF: Now Alucard and Anderson must watch the video Don't Hug Me I'm Scared.

*Alucard and Anderson sit next to each other in front of a computer watching the video*

Anderson: So it's starting out ok…

Alucard: Question. Why are they puppets?

WOF: Just watch the damn video!

Anderson: …Wa-what's going on…?

Alucard: *giggling*

Anderson: Oh god!

*video ends*

Anderson: Oh god that's was so weird! What did I just watch!?

Alucard: *still giggling* I liked it. Plus I knew something like that was going to happen. I could just feel it.

WOF: Next Anderson MUST do a strip tease.

Anderson: Aw man!

**~Some time later~**

*Anderson is doing a striptease in front of the ladies*

Anderson: This is so embarrassing!

Seras: I think my eyes are bleeding.

Integra: *vomiting* Oh god this is horrible! *vomits again*

Mimi: I am so glad we are censoring this.

Anderson: *finishes* I'm going to go cry in a corner for the rest of the show now. *leaves*

WOF: I think I just went blind. No wait…never mind. Our next question comes from silver alpha werewolf who says: **I think it's a good story so far I have some dares in mind if you take them then here they are:  
Alucard should watch vampires suck with both teams fans  
Seras should do some random thing with Hans (embarrass the crap outta him )  
Integra I dare you to get rid of all your cigars for two episodes  
Alucard torture Walter with whatever  
Pip don't look think or speak of Seras or any woman for one chapter**

WOF: To the indoor movie theater! Away!

**~After the movie~**

WOF: Well Alucard what did you think?

Alucard: I found it quiet enjoyable. It was much better then that God awful movie Twilight.

WOF: And Seras, who is on the other team, what where your thoughts?

Seras: I laughed for the most part but some parts I just had to shake my head. Overall I thought it was an ok movie.

Alucard: I enjoyed this throughly.

WOF: Seras must embarrass the crap out of Hans!

Seras: *slowly gets close to his head and licks his cheek then slowly moves away wagging her tongue in a creepy fashion*

Han: *goes wide eye and starts shaking completely creeped out*

Seras: Is that good?

WOF: Integra must get ride of her cigars for two whole episodes.

Integra: No! Not my babies!

WOF: *takes away her cigar tin*

Integra: *Alucard holding her back* Let go of me you bastard! Unhand me! Turn me loose! I demand that you let go! Get your hands off of me! No! Don't take them away! No! Stop! No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOF: 48 hours on the clock starting now. Anyway, next part is that Alucard is allowed to tortured Walter.

Walter: Oh bloody hell.

**~Another time skip~ **

*Walter is tied tightly to a chair*

Alucard: *takes off his smelly sock and puts it on the butlers face*

Walter: *fidgeting in the chair* Oh god damn it! God this is disgusting!

WOF: Pip don't look think or speak of Seras or any woman for a whole episode. Ready go!

Pip: *standing completely still*

Seras: *comes out from backstage giggling her breasts* Geez, my back hurts these big boobs!

Pip: God damn it! I lost!

Alucard: Need a massage?

Seras: *smacks him across the face*

Alucard: *red hand print on his face* It was worth a try.

Mimi: Do you need any ointment for that? No? Ok then. Our next question is: **Jajaja this is so funny my questions would be,  
1 –What reaction will Alucard have if Seras dance belly dance for him? Same for Integra and Walter :)  
2–Make the Hellsing crew dance a tango.  
3–Alucard do an striptease already! **

WOF: Well Alucard, Walter, and Integra what would you do if Seras belly danced in front of you?

Alucard: I'd probably say go on.

Walter: I'd would just walk away.

Integra: I think I'd mostly be confused.

WOF: Everyone dance the tango!

Alucard: *spinning Integra around to the beat of the music*

Integra: *turning green* Getting sick.

Walter: *lifts up Seras and swings her around*

Seras: I believe I can fly! Weeeeeeee!

**~Song ends and everyone stops dancing~  
**  
Seras: *wobbling around* Dizzy...

WOF: Lastly, Alucard must do a strip tease.

Alucard: I knew this day would come. *runs away*

WOF: Little help Mimi.

Mimi: *tackles him to the ground then pulls him up and holds him by the arms*

Alucard: Let me go! I have rights!

WOF: He's resisting! Quick someone repress him!

Integra: *punches him in the stomach*

Alucard: Ow! *falls to his knees*

Integra: Integra one, Alucard zero!

Mimi: *lets go of him*

WOF: *bends down* You ok Alucard?

Alucard: *his speech is muffled because he's face down on the floor at the moment* I think my internal organs are bleeding.

Integra: Quit your bitching!

WOF: Do you think you can still do the strip tease?

Alucard: *turns his head and glares at the witch*

WOF: I take it that's a no.

Integra: Can we move on already?

WOF: Well Alucard doesn't seem to be getting up anytime soon so I think we're going to have to. Sorry to disappoint the fans but when a man starts to pee blood then it's time to move on. Our last question is from Red who asks:  
**Greetings, before I ask my questions, I would like to say that I favor this talk show and cannot wait for the next chapter. Now here's my question:  
-Can there please be a tag team match with Alucard and Seras vs Sebastian and Grell from Black Butler?  
-Have Pip and Seras re-enact the drowning scene from Titanic  
-And have Seras and Schrodinger chained together for the rest of this chapter  
Please and Thank you from a new fan**

Schrodinger: *pops up out of nowhere and stands right next to Seras* Hello.

Alucard: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Integra: *back slaps him*

Alucard: Not you too!

Mimi: *sneaks up behind the two and cuffs them together*

Seras: *realizes what happened* Oh crap.

WOF: Now that that's over with I will bring in Sebastian and Grell to do a tag fight with you guys. *snaps her fingers and the two appear*

Sebastian: Oh great, I'm back here again.

Grell: Sebby my love where exactly are we?

Sebastian: *creeped out* I thought I told you not to call me that. We're in a another dimension. That witch over there brought us here.

WOF: I have a name you know!

Sebastian: Currently we're on her talk show and from the last time I was here I believe she wants us to do something for the viewers.

WOF: My name is Ange Beatrice thanks for asking and all they want you to do is fight with Alucard and Seras.

Sebastian/Grell: *groans* Fine.

Alucard: *staring a Grell* Is...that a guy?

Grell: *offended* How rude! I am a proper young women, now piss off!

Alucard: Ok, sure, whatever.

Sebastian: Can we just get this over with?

WOF: Ok, fight.

*Alucard and Sebastian start to slap each other*

Grell: *fires up his death scythe while wearing his signature grin*

Seras: *stays perfectly still for a moment* AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! *runs off*

Sebastian: *punches Alucard in the stomach*

Alucard: *goes down like a ton of bricks* Why!?

Sebastian: I believe that about wraps things up here. Come Grell, we're leaving.

Grell: In a minute. Get down here right now so I can slice you open!

Seras: *hanging from the rafters with Shcrodinger hanging by the chain* Go away! Go away! Go away!

Grell: *puts the chainsaw away and follows Sebastian out through the portal, grumbling how he she would look really pretty in red*

WOF: Wow. That was disappointing. Now Seras and Pip must re-enact the drowning scene from the movie Titanic! *snaps her fingers*

*the two are in the middle of a pool and on a card board raft that the Witch of Fate had summoned for them*

Seras: I love you Jack.

Pip: No... don't say your good-byes, Rose. Don't you give up. Don't do it.

Seras: I'm so cold.

Pip: You're going to get out of this... you're going to go on and you're going to make babies and watch them grow and you're going to die an old lady, warm in your bed. Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me?

Seras: I can't feel my body.

Pip: Rose, listen to me. Listen. Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me. It brought me to you. And I'm thankful, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise.

Seras: I promise.

Pip: Never let go.

Seras: I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.

*the two float there for a little bit on the makeshift raft before Seras starts to push down on Pip's head*

Pip: Wait, what are you doing!? *gets pushed completely under*

Seras: Goodbye Jack. *paddles away with a big grin on her face*

Pip: *resurfaces* You suck Rose! *swims after her*

WOF: CUT! That's a wrap folks!

Seras: Can someone pull me out? I can't swim.

Pip: *helps pull her and a very wet kitty out of the pool and the crew give them towels to dry themselves off*

WOF: Well that's it folks! Thanks for watching the show. Leave a review stating your question and it might appear in the next episode. Until then, stay crazy my friend!

* * *

**A/N: I'd just like to say that since episode 10 is going to come out soon I just want to let everyone know that I will take break for a while and then resume the series when sometime has passed. Your questions will have to be PMed to me instead of putting them in reviews because I don't want overcrowd it. So I'm just forewarning you now before I get all these messages saying, "Where did you go?" "Are you still doing to series?". This is just a public announcement for all the fans.**

**- Ange Beatrice, The Witch of Fate**


	7. Episode 7

**I don't own Hellsing**

* * *

Narrator: On the last episode...

*Seras goes by riding a horse backwards while wearing an empty mayonnaise jar on her head*

Narrator: And so it continues.

Walter: This is the Hellsing Random Talk Show!

*crowd cheers while the theme music plays*

WOF: *emerges from backstage* Welcome everyone to episode seven of the Hellsing Random Talk Show! As always I'm Ange Beatrice, the Witch of Fate and today we're going to answer your questions and watch the outcomes. So our first question is from Madam of Death whose question is:

**First off, Hello madam nice to meet you, I'd also like to say**

**Hello to every Hellsing character,"except Dok and Major,they can die..."Dare**

**for Alucard is to Dress like a priest and tote a bible around while rehearsing lines from it, o.."i enjoy torturing Alucard, he's my third fav, Anderson and Walter are my favorite"and i have one for Walter to purposely join Millennium and torture the major and Dok to death..and i expected Walter to be more of a**

**waltz dancer,that was surprising..well goodbye for now,till I think of more**

Dok/Major: *gasp* Hurtful.

Seras: There sure is a lot of torturing in this question. Are you sure this is ok.

WOF: If it cleared management then it can go on the show. Any who, we get to see Alucard dressed up like a priest! *snaps her fingers and Alucard appears him in the costume*

Iscariot: *laughing at him*

Alucard: You may laugh now but soon I will be the one who laughs last! *places the bible on his head and starts talking in a really stupid voice* Hey look at me you guys! I'm a catholic priest! I enjoy putting people to sleep for an hour and molesting little boys! *does a raspberry*

Hellsing/Millenium group: *roaring with laughing*

Iscariot: *all serious again and glaring at him*

WOF: *laughing* Ok that was awesome. *snaps her fingers once more and the costume disappears* Now Walter has to... torture Dok and Major for some reason.

**~Le Time Skip of Time (Le Whoosh)~ **

Mimi: Ok, what's with the time skips now!?

WOF: Didn't you hear? Since we fired our regular time skip guy we got Pip to do it.

Pip: My time skips are classy and original.

Mimi: ...why?

WOF: I don't know we thought it was a good idea at the time. Now I'm starting to regret it.

Mimi: ...

WOF: ...

Mimi: Lets fire him.

WOF: Agreed.

Pip: Hey!

**~Help Wanted: Need Someone Who Can Create Creative Time Skips...Ok Back to the Show~ **

*Dok and Major are both tied tightly to chairs*

Walter: Feel my wrath! *puts Alucard's smelly socks on both of their faces*

Dok/Major: NOOOOOOOOO! *both pass out from the smell*

Walter: Yeah!

WOF: Your freaken weird man. So our next question comes from a girl named Kari who says: **Funny episode! Lovin' it!**

**For Alucard *fangirl scream***

**1. *-*/ BITE ME. PLEASE. BITE THE WILLING FANGIRL! XD *Runs off to go fangirl scream***

**For everyone**

**What r ur guy's opinions on integra and seras fanfics? -_- not that I support them. I just wanna hear your opinions. **

**For Rip van Winkle and Alucard **

**WHY DO U SMILE LIKE UR INSANE?! *looks Alucard whispers and smiles sadistically* not that being insane's bad**

**For Schrödinger**

**CAN I TOUCH UR EARS?!**

Alucard: Umm no thank you because I don't want a million little fan girls trying to follow me around and love me.

Integra: It would be rather inconvenient if we a million vampires running around the place.

WOF: Everyone is to state their opinion on IxS fanfic's.

Seras: GROSS!

Integra: A sickening thing that should burn in the very pits of hell for all eternity!

Walter: *mutters* Boobies...touching boobies...

Alucard: Mixed feeling but still pretty hot.

Integra: *punches him*

Alucard: Come on! Really!?

Pip: I like it!

Integra/Seras: *whip out their guns and aim for Pip's head*

Pip: I-I mean, no I don't like them.

Integra/Seras: *both put the guns away but are still eyeing him closely*

WOF: Rip and Alucard, why do you smile like you're insane?

Rip/Alucard: Maybe because we are.

Alucard: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rip: Mwahahahaha!

Alucard: No it's, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's more in the throat. It's like saying aah but much deeper like a growl.

Rip: So like, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Alucard: That's exactly how you do an evil laugh.

Rip: Oh I see.

WOF: Last but not least, Kari will come out and touch Schrödinger's ears. *summons a portal and an excited fangirl pops out ready to feel the cat boy's ears*

Kari: *grabs Schrödinger's ears* IT'S SO FLUFFY AND CUTE! IT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO SMOTHER YOU WITH LOVE!

Schrödinger: Someone please help me.

Alucard: I've never been more happy to see a girl molesting a cat boy in my entire life. And let me tell ya, it's quiet the sight to see. *sighs* I love payback.

WOF: All right that's enough from you! Time to go home.

Alucard/ Kari: Ah man!

*a new portal is summoned and Kari get's transported home*

WOF: And to think this show would get far enough along for a cat to be molested. Anyway, our next question comes from madhattress who asks: **hello sir Integra! it is i the GREAT AND POWERFUL MAID OF HELLSING! **

**hehehehe... anyway sir i would like a pay raise, and alucard to stop teasing me about when i go on a killing spree...**

**seras you are awesome and a good friend buuuut... can you stop stealing my box of cookie dough! and Heinkel umm... binnacle? never mind nun in priest clothes... kick a ghouls head off and do a barrel roll then have you dress as a pretty princess with matching tiara**

Integra: When did I hire these people!?

Walter: I don't know. But who ever she is, she had a strange obsession with raw cookie dough which Seras keeps stealing.

Seras: Do not! *says this with a mouth full of cookie dough*

WOF: Can we get back to what we were doing already? Heinkel has to cut a ghouls head off then do a barrel roll while wearing a princess outfit.

...I swear these questions are getting weirder and weirder every time. But the show must go on! *snaps her finger and Heinkel is in a pretty pink princess dress with matching tiara*

Heinkel: *looks at herself* God damn it!

Enrico: Heinkel! You're a nun. You can't swear.

Heinkel: Sorry Maxwell.

Yumie: *drooling and holding a camera* You look so cute!

Heinkel: GAH! *trying to cover herself as Yumie snaps some pictures of her*

WOF: *snaps her fingers again and a lone ghoul appears in front of her* Heinkel I choose you!

Heinkel: *uses a bayonet that she borrowed from Anderson and with a quick and fluid motion cuts the decaying body's head off which is followed up by her barrel rolling*

Everyone: *clapping for the performance they've just saw*

Heinkel: Oh be quiet! *hurriedly trots off the stage to hide from her embarrassment*

Yumie: *continues to follow her as she takes pictures and still drooling from her cuteness*

WOF: That was literally one of the weirdest questions we've seen on this show...let continue! Our last question is from someone named hellsingfan who asked: **hi, make Seras eat 500 pieces of human food without vomiting.**

**Alucard dance the gentleman psy dance.**

**Integra meet Balalaika from black lagoon!**

**Major go on a diet.**

**Dok dont be mean to schro.**

**Hans please say something, i feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.**

**Pip eat 300 cases of tomato sauce **

**Rip van winkle sing im a barbie girl! **

**...:P**

WOF: Seems simple enough. Let's do this thing!

Seras: *sitting in front of a table that's loaded with food* Just looking at it makes me sick.

WOF: I think she needs some moral support.

Everyone: GO SERAS GO! GO SERAS GO! GO SERAS GO!

Seras: *starts shoveling food into her mouth*

**~Much Scarfing Later~ **

WOF: You're almost there! One more bite!

Seras: *vomits everywhere then passes out landing face first in the vomit*

Everyone: Eww!

Alucard: So close.

WOF: *snaps her fingers and the mess is gone while leaving Seras still passed out* Now Alucard must dance to the song gentleman by psy!

*music starts up and the vampire starts shaking his rump*

Integra: I like this song. *joins in with him*

*song ends and the two stop dancing*

WOF: I stand corrected. You're both freaken weird. Next on the list is for Integra to meet Balalaika from Black Lagoon. *the witch snaps her finger once more and Balalaika steps out of the summoned portal, facing Integra*

Integra: Hello.

Balalaika: Hi...where the f*** am I? And who are you?

Integra: My name is Integra Hellsing and you are in a different dimension on a talk show that a witch runs.

Balalaika: ...

Integra: ...

Balalaika: For some reason I have a strong feeling that I'm going to like you.

Integra: The feeling is mutual. Wanna go get some coffee or something?

Balalaika: I'd love some.

*the two walk away to go to a coffee shop*

WOF: Wow, they sure did hit it off. And now Major has to go on a diet and Dok has to stop being mean to Schrödinger!

Major: *shaking his head* No no, I couldn't do that.

Dok: Maybe I vould be less mean if he started shoving more respect to our Major!

Schrödinger: *just grins* Now, now Doctor. The lady said to be nice, and nice you have to be.

Dok: Grr!

WOF: *talks in an Australian accent* I've spotted a wild male French homosapien in its natural habitat among its own kind. For the first time ever we get to see what this majestic creature in action.

*cuts to Pip slurping down cans of tomato sauce*

Wild Geese: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Pip: *slams the can down* 300! *belches*

Wild Geese: YEEEEAAAAAHH!

Mimi: *facepalm*

WOF: Hans must say something to the viewers.

Hans: ...

*everyone leans in closer to hear his first words*

Hans: ...Bark!

Everyone: *groans and facepalm's*

WOF: Last but not least, Rip is going to sing the song Barbie Girl by Aqua.

Rip: Ready! *comes out wearing a hot pink dress*

WOF: Well then take it away.

*music starts up*

Rip: *sings* I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world

Life in plastic, it's fantastic!

You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere

Imagination, life is your creation

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

(Uh-uh-uh-yeah)

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

(uh-uh-uh-yeah)

Come on Barbie, let's go party!

(ooh-oh-ooh)

*music ends and she stop her singing*

WOF: That should about wrap things up here. Thank you one and all for tuning into The Hellsing Random Talk Show and we all hope you enjoyed the show! Send in your questions and requests and it'll be shown in the next episode. Until then, stay crazy my friends!

* * *

**A/N: ...I don't really have anything to say this time actually. The only thing that seems important is that I really am looking for someone to make really good time skip's for me cause I'm starting to run out. If you are interested in doing this, PM me stating who you are and why you think you want to do this as well as send an example of your time skip for me to rate. If I like your application you'll get to help create show with me. That's it, thanks for reading. **

**- Ange Beatrice, The Witch of Fate**


	8. Episode 8

**I still don't own Hellsing**

* * *

Narrator: Last time on The Hellsing Random Talk Show...

Integra: All right who's the smart ass who thought that building a snowman in the refrigerator was a good idea!?

Narrator: And so it continues.

Integra: This is the Hellsing Random Talk Show.

*the theme music plays and the crowd goes wild*

WOF: Welcome everyone to the ninth installment of the Hellsing Random Talk Show. I'm your host as always Ange Beatrice, The Witch of Fate and today's episode is going to be a short one.

*crowd boos*

WOF: I'm sorry but today we only have three questions from three lovely viewers. Without further delay, let's begin. Our first question is from catsvrsdogscatswin who says:

**Hi, I showed my little sister some of the show (not the parts that would ruin her eight-year-old innocence-ness, but some of it), and we love it! Here are our questions/requests:**

**1. Have our OC/alter-ego characters (May and Jay) pop up and see everyone's**

**reaction. **

**2. Ask if Alucard knows how to swim. **

**3. Have Zorin Blitz compare scythes with Maka Albarn from Soul Eater. (She has ****almost exactly the same one)**

**Thank you, and keep on writing all the insanity!**

WOF: Who would let an eight year old watch Hellsing!?

Alucard: Bad parents.

WOF: But it's her sister.

Alucard: ...Bad parenting by the sister.

WOF: Well whatever, I have to summon up May and Jay and see your reaction. *a portal appears and two girls pop out and scamper towards Alucard*

May/Jay: Hi!

Alucard: Ah no! No you!

May/Jay: *both start climbing on him* Weeee!

Alucard: Get off me! *throws the two back in the portal which is closed by the witch*

Integra: Those two were always pretty weird.

Seras: And annoying...

WOF: Now lets see if Alucard can swim! *snaps her finger and a kitty pool appear next to Alucard and with a great big shove, she pushes Alucard into the shallow pool*

Alucard: *furiously splashing around* Help me! Help me! I'm drowning!

Seras: Master...it's a kids pool. You can stand up ya know.

Alucard: *stops and stand, completely soaked* Oh...I knew that. Ange that was uncalled for!

WOF: *snickers* From that demonstration you can clearly tell that he can't swim. Moving onto the final part of the question is for Zorin and Maka compare their scythes.

*both girls walk out with their weapons in hand*

Maka: So mine is red and your's is black.

Zorin: And mine doesn't have and eye on it like your's does.

Maka: So I guess in a sense it's somewhat similar.

WOF: Go home Maka, your flat chested.

Maka: What did you just say!?

Soul: She's right ya know.

Maka: Shut up!

WOF: No seriously it's time I send you back. *opens a portal and pushes them inside* Bye! Our next question asks: **C****ould we, i dunno, make Anderson play saxophone or bagpipes ('cause Scottish ****accent)? Or saxophone AND bagpipes? In a kilt? Pretty please? :3**

Anderson: *comes out in a kilt and playing the Scottish national anthem*

Seras/Alucard: AGH! My ears! They're bleeding!

Integra: *covering her ears* It's so loud!

WOF: *wearing her noise blocking headphones again* WHAT!? WHAT DID YOU SAY!?

Alucard: *assuming the fetal position* Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop...

Anderson: *stops playing* I thank you all for listening.

Alucard: *runs up to Anderson, rips the bagpipes from his hands and proceeds to break them by stomping on them* Stupid bagpipes. Making my eardrums bleed.

WOF: *takes off the headphones* Now that the torture- I MEAN- lovely song on the bagpipes is over we can move onto our last question which says:** Have Integra watch the first season of psych, dress up like shaun, and blurt out random quotes from the show. For Anderson, make him dress up in a sparkly Lady GaGa body suit and string him up to the ceiling.**

**And for all of the other Hellsing , Iscariot, and Millennium members (WOF too)**

**you must all dance the macerenia.**

Integra: But I already watch Psych.

WOF: Then it'll make things a lot easier now wouldn't it. *turns around* So let me just get you the costume for you and Anderson. *turns back around*

Integra: *wearing the costume*

WOF: Well aren't you prepared.

Integra: True as toast!

WOF: Great. *holding up the sparkly bodysuit* Anderson! Come here!

Anderson: *runs away*

WOF: Get back here!

**~Please Hold. We are Currently Putting a Large Scottish Man in a Bodysuit~ **

Anderson: *wearing the suit while stuck the the roof* Someone please help me down from here!

Alucard: *laughing at him* Hey look! The catholic piñata is back!

*everyone grabs a stick and starts whacking the unhappy Scottish man*

Anderson: Jesus Christ! Ah!

Integra: Action in my fanny pack!

**~After the joyous beating had ended~**

WOF: And now we do the Macarena!

*music starts up and everyone starts doing the moves*

WOF: Thanks for joining us. Leave a review with your question or request and it will be answered in the next episode. Also in another two episodes will going be our season finale so stayed tuned in. But until then, stay crazy me friends! Woo! Swing those hips ladies!

* * *

**A/N: I can't believe that another two episodes is going to be the end of season one! And, I'm not going to spoil anything, but the last episode is going to leave off with a huge cliffhanger so stay tuned! And thanks for reading! **

**-Ange Beatrice, The Witch of Fate**


End file.
